Failing London Cardiac Unit Cites "Dark Forces" in Place

Written by carina-eta

Saturday, 4 August 2018

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Doctor Marcus after Scrubbing Up

A London cardiac unit has claimed "dark forces" and "unruly spirits" are responsible for an increase in cardiac-related deaths over the past 12 months.

In a "damning" report, a specialist has blamed a "culture of voodooism" and "black magic" in the unit, in which he described heart surgeons as being divided in a tribal-like atmosphere.

Nurses have described ouija boards being set out to contact cardiac patients after death, before their surgery even started, and surgeons painting symbols on the floor of operating theatres before they would start an operation.

Top London surgeon, Tim Mallet-Waldorf Smith, said, "We painted the symbols to deter the bad spirits, not encourage them."

"We knew they were there, throwing surgical instruments around and vomiting up blood everywhere and that was just the patients!" he laughed.

He went on, "No seriously, it wasn't us, it was the other team. They were shamens, devil-worshippers and cthulhu cultists. One of them, Marcus Voight-Ellrington Bonnet has a tattoo of a little devil on his wrist - what further proof do you need?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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