Written by Dave Henry

Thursday, 12 July 2018

image for American Guy Tries to Act Like He Knows A Lot About Soccer
Croatia kicked it really hard

An American guy who knows nothing about soccer got way too into the World Cup match between England and Croatia in an effort to seem cool and worldly to his friends.

He even used the word "gutted" to describe his feelings after the loss, knowing this is a word that British people use to describe disappointment.

"England just wasn't aggressive enough," the American guy, Tom Morgan, said, who has no clue what he was talking about. "England's midfielders were not running fast enough, or middle enough, and the Croatians were kicking the ball really hard," said Morgan. "England did not kick the ball hard enough or accurate enough toward the net," he added.

Morgan often bemoaned the fact that England's players kicked the ball right into Croatia's players.

"The guy on England's team, he kicked the ball right at the defender on Croatia. What is he doing!" Tom yelled. He explained to his friends that were watching the game with him that you're not supposed to kick the ball right at the other guy, you're supposed to kick it past them into the goal.

Tom even kept mentioning the name of one of England's best players, Harry Kane, to sound like he was familiar with the players.

"Pass it to Kane, Kane is wide open!" he yelled at various times throughout the game.

"Kane, you need to get your head out of your arse," he shouted, using a curse word that British people use to make his disappointment sound more authentic.

But often he would shout something about Kane at some other player because he didn't really know what Kane looked like. In fact, he wouldn't know Harry Kane from Harry Potter or that Harry guy in One Direction.

When the guy on Croatia made that goal at the end, Morgan shouted "Bollocks" really loud at the TV because he thought the game was over. But he had no idea about extra time, so he had to play it off like he knew there was extra time in soccer so his friends wouldn't think he was not worldly or cool.

"Croatia was just a harder kicking, faster running team that occasionally hit the ball with their head and made goals more than England did," was his brilliant post game assessment.

On to the finals!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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