Written by Jack Bromby

Thursday, 14 May 2015


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image for Shopkeeper's pocket tissues stolen by thieves

A shopkeeper who fell victim to a distraction theft says he has been overwhelmed with well wishes.

A man entered the Bookshop in East Grinstead, West Sussex and asked for a cup of tea, before reaching into the shopkeeper's pockets and stealing his Kleenex pocket tissues.

Undeterred by the unfortunate incident, Giffard O'Doyle believes the most important thing is to guard your tissues more carefully.

He said: "It seems to be the crime of choice at the moment. It's the second time my pocket tissues have been stolen in three weeks. It's galling and it's wicked, and due to my bad luck I always get a runny nose 5 minutes after being robbed of them.

"The tissues have no financial value, but not being equipped with tissues can cause inconvenience to the victim and I believe that is why they are being stolen from people.

"It was very annoying and quite upsetting, especially since I always require use of them right after they are stolen from me.

"I have also been further inconvenienced because during my lunch break I like to go into the back storage room and masturbate, but without my Kleenex tissues I am no longer able to carry out this activity without making a mess.

"What goes up doesn't necessarily come up off the floor."

Police arrived at the scene just minutes after the stolen tissues were reported on Saturday at about 1.30pm.

Mr O'Doyle continued: "I had a new Saturday girl who had started work just 15 minutes earlier. One of her first jobs was to ride around the town in the back of a police car trying to spot the offender.

"The man said he wanted some books and some tea, but asked if he could pay when his friends arrived. She went out to make the teas while I was there cashing up, and within 30 seconds he reached into my pocket and stole the tissues, surprisingly uninterested by the money that was more easily accessible.

"I was spitting blood when it happened because I was just so shocked and disgusted. Five minutes later my nose started running but since my resources to deal with the incident had been stolen from me, I had no other alternative but to wipe my nose on my shirt, much to the disgust of other customers in the shop who were watching me intently."

"The most important thing is that people are more careful when it comes to their tissues," Mr O'Doyle added: "I may have fallen victim to it this time, but together we have to fight against these people to stop it from happening again. These people have always been around and they always will be. They're evil, they're after our Kleenexes and will stop at nothing."

The suspect in the book shop theft is described as a tall, broad, white male aged about 30 to 31.99999.

Sussex Police described it as a "snotty situation" and urge anyone with information to call them on 101.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Theft

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