London - "I'm damned if I let some Met rookie swab the insides of my, er, gob," Nick Clegg snarled today as the announcement was posted on Speaker Bercow's blogsite.
The Deputy PM's protests come amid reports that police armed with new drug testing kits are to pounce at random on MPs next week in a bid to to weed out unauthorised House of Commons dealers.
The announcement follows cleaning staff complaints about toxic white powders found in the Strangers Bar gents along with used hypodermics, a cracked bong and some hurriedly stubbed-out spliff roaches.
Last year two kilos of military-grade angel dust were found stuffed inside a statue of Mrs Thatcher that bespoils the entrance to the Lower House.
Then in January police arrested dozens of fake Rastafarian visitors to the Lords before confiscating 55kg of high grade skunk, 100 twenty-quid wraps of home-grown and enough Alaskan Matanuska Thunderfuck to blow away chances of ANY Upper House legislation being passed before 2015.
Under the Palace of Westmonster Narcotics Act of 1859 drug taking in the Commons is not illegal per se as long as purchases are made from bona fide Department of Agriculture registered contractors.
That of course excludes widely reported cocaine 'dealer' Gary Goldsmith, uncle of Kate Middleton, whose toxic antics have already seen him barred from entry to Royal Ascot and Trooping the Color.
The draconian restrictions will first apply to any Member of Parliament who has not published personal tax returns for themselves and/or their spouse/partner.
Next, anyone failing provide a DNA printout proving they are NOT some sort of shady relative of the royals, the Prime Monster, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, the Foreign Secretary etc will be put on a Drug 'N' Nepotism watchsite, policed by retired members of the Booze and Royals regiment.
Those cleared of nepotism allegations will be allowed to purchase an official House of Commons narcotics ration book emulating the wartime spirit of The Blitz.
Commenting on the new trading restrictions Tooting Broadway herbal specialist Skanky Dave said "WTF?' this afternoon.
His application to continue tending the Palace of Westmonster roof garden was turned down last week after the contract was awarded to Barking specialists who already hold the Royal Warrant to supply Prince Charles with his personal homeopathetic requirements.
The Duchess of Malfi is half-cut by 9.30am every day.
