Screwdrivers are the most dangerous tool

Funny story written by IainB

Thursday, 8 December 2011

image for Screwdrivers are the most dangerous tool
Careful now...

In the national accident statistics, the humble screwdriver has come out tops of the most dangerous household tools wielded by inept morons.

"You would have thought chainsaw, or power drill," said NAS Co-ordinator Nathan Tonal. "However, accidents with these tools pale into insignificance when compared to the screwdriver."

Over seven thousand accident and emergency admissions in 2010 were for screwdriver related incidents, compared to just a handful for chainsaw accidents, and a couple of dozen drill related accidents.

"We can see from these alarming stats that screwdrivers should only be wielded by those who know what they are doing," said Tonal. "Although, having said that, a significant number of the accidents with screwdrivers were from so-called experts. Electricians, plumbers and the like."

Although of the seven chainsaw accidents only one person survived, whilst every one of the thousands of screwdriver injured people survived, there are calls to ban screwdrivers and switch to the far safer wrench or spanner.

"Nuts and bolts rarely cause accidents," said Tonal. "And those accidents that do occur either require the spanner extracting, or it is dropped on a foot."

Mick Take, who runs the National Society for the Prevention of Stupidity, thinks that the NAS need to take a good hard long look at themselves.

"You can read a lot into stats," said Take. "As Health and Safety organisations take the NAS stats and recommendations, the NAS need to be careful in what they recommend. Although there were a lot of injuries with screwdrivers, they were hardly catastrophic, and should be treated as injuries to the inane, and as such a good thing. These people will learn from their mistakes, whereas those who sever an artery with a chainsaw tend to only have a few minutes to reflect on what they did wrong."

Tonal is unrepentant.

"I understand what the NSPS are suggesting," he said. "However, chainsaw injuries take up virtually no time at the hospital. The injured person comes in, is pronounced dead and they move on. Screwdriver injuries, on the other hand take up valuable space in the waiting room, space better given over for change machines for the car-park."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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