Wayne Rooney is going nowhere, says Colleen

Funny story written by IainB

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

image for Wayne Rooney is going nowhere, says Colleen
Rooney - unavailable for comment

Media speculation has been mounting over the departure of Wayne Rooney from Manchester United after a supposed bust-up between him and Alex Ferguson. However, according to his wife, Colleen Rooney, Rooney will be staying in Manchester.

There has been plenty of interest from other rich clubs over taking Rooney's signature, including Chelsea and Real Madrid, but Colleen has insisted that there is no way on Earth she would allow her son anywhere near an accent other than Scouse.

"I quite proud of me accent," she said. "There's no way I'm lettin Kai near a cockney or Italian accent in case he picks it up."

Very few clubs in the world can afford Wayne Rooney, as he is the world's best footballer, according to Wayne Rooney. With a move abroad to a foreign giant already discounted, that leaves a mere three clubs: Chelsea, Manchester City and Manchester United.

"I've told him that he's stayin in Manchester," Colleen said. "I mean, they're Mancs an all, but at least it's only down the sixty-two to work, instead of having to move away from me sister. If he goes to City or stays at United, I don't really care."

Carlos Tevez was the last striker to leave United for City and has a word of caution for the United striker.

"It's shit here, init," he said. "I wanna leave. If I were Rooney, I'd stop believing all the shit, and stay at United. If he sorts out his shit, he'll be okay, you know."

Wayne Rooney was unavailable for comment, he was at Madam Tussard's helping create the Shrek waxwork.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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