Obama's New Pastor throws a Wild Pitch from the Bullpen Bully Pulpit, hitting the NY Yankees' faithful right in the pews

Written by Robert W. Armijo

Thursday, 16 April 2009

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Obama's new pastor is reportedly in hiding, trying not to get burned at the stake for heresy

Washington, D.C. - After attending Sunday Easter Service, where the president's new pastor stood at the bully pulpit delivering the Summon on the Mount more like a pitcher fresh from the bullpen still warming up on the pitcher's mound, throwing a wild pitch when he said to the Congregation that he hated the New York Yankees, Barack Obama headed for the parking lot after the seventh inning stretch, knowing the game was over. And that he was back on his mission to find God, come Monday morning.

However, this time Obama is not leaving his next choice to a chance encounter, and he has asked his chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, to makeup a multiple-choice questioner for the next lineup of candidates of pastors to complete. Rumor has it that they have already been circulated to perspective Congregations in search of a more politically correct pastor.

"I found the questions to be intrusive, offensive and an effrontery to the Christian faith," said Rev. Pauline Johnson of an All-Gay Unitarian parish in Washington, D.C.

Theologians agree, not one of the multi-choice questions has any religious significance to them at all. In fact, the majority of them do not even mention the name of God, except in passing.

"I'm no political scientist, but it appears to me that Obama's multiple-choice questioner is clearly an attempt to weed out any Rev. Jeremiah Wright type of preachers," said Rev. Albert Martin, who holds a Doctorate in Divinity and obtained a copy of the controversial Obama questioner.

"Here," said Rev. Martin, as he pulled out a copy of the multiple-choice questioner from his breast pocket, quoting it verbatim. "Take for example this question: 'Please select one of the following that best describes how do you feel about American? A) I love her; B) I hate her; C) I'm indifferent to her; D) God Damn her!' See what I mean? Clearly that is a line of political question intended to eliminate any candidate that could be an embarrassment to the president. Not providing any insight into the personal belief system of a man of the cloth."

Rev. Martin also quoted a multiple-choice question making inquiries into one's baseball team preferences as well.

"Look," continued Rev. Martin, again referring to the multiple-choice questioner. "Can you tell what this question has to do with God? 'What, as one of the faithful, will you do to ensure this season's New York Yankees will take the pennant? A) Petition our Divine Lord day and night to personally intervene on their behalf; B) Renounce your Christian faith and join a Kabbalah, should they fail to make it to the playoffs; C) Sacrifice your firstborn son at the alter of your new found pagan gods at Wrigley Field; D) Surrender your Freedom of Speech under the Third Article of the Bill of Rights -- And never ever express your opinion about anything to anyone, especially in public or to members of the media, anymore."

Rev. Martin then pointed out the title of the multiple-choice questioner as further proof of his theory.

"And look," says Rev. Martin, turning over the multiple-choice questioner on its front. "Obama didn't even try to hide his intentions, or he wouldn't have name it: 'Purging the Pulpit: How Avoid Any Sermon on the Mount, Fire and Brimstone, John the Baptists/Rev. Jeremiah Wright Style of Candidate Preachers Multiple-Choice Questioner."

White House Chief of Staff, Emanuel, however, has denied the rumor that Obama is actively looking for a new pastor, though he declined the opportunity to comment on the purpose of the White House sending out the multiple-choice questioners, leaving the media doubting his sincerity.

"I assure you," said Emanuel while smiling to the White House media pool of reporters. "Nothing short of a burning bush will drag Obama away from his new pastor. So, uh, keep on the look out, okay?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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