Anfield was left reeling this afternoon, after Liverpool manager Rafa 'Rafa' Benitez announced that Robbie Keane would not start in the nearly-top-of-the-table clash against millionaire playboys Chelsea of West London.
'Keane will not start,' said Benitez. 'I don't think he's much Kop, he-he, and it is my intention to reduce his value so much that he has to be bailed out by the government. I believe that Keane was worth £20 million in the summer, and that now he would command no more than £35 - this massive decline is greater than the collapse in value of your nation's leading banks and car industry.'
Frantic talks were taking place between the UK and Irish Treasuries in order to stop the loss of value of Keane affecting the economies of both countries. Spain was forced to issue a statement denying that Benitez had been smuggled into the UK in order to destroy the British economy.
'The next country to "do an Iceland" and suffer a collapsed economy is likely to be a small, Western European nation which has invested in diminuitive, poor, Irish strikers,' said the world's leading economist Nouriel Roubini. 'I am the only man who saw the global recession coming - Keane is worthless'.