Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 31 January 2009

image for Manchester United Goalie Cheats Death
Death: always in black

In today's action-packed Premiership game between Manchester United and Everton, there was real drama when Edwin van der Sar cheated Death, after managing to defend his goal for a record-breaking 1,104 minutes.

The previous record, set way back in 1979, had been held by custodian of the Reading net, Steve Death, who denied the massed ranks of Grimsby, Port Vale, Crewe, Portsmouth, Bournemouth, Aldershot, Hartlepool, Darlington, Halifax, Wimbledon and Port Vale for 1,103 minutes, before one of his own players, Stewart Henderson, finally put through his own goal.

Van der Sar was rarely troubled by Everton's depleted strike force this evening. Indeed, during the second half, he smoked a pipe and read a copy of Knave whilst sitting, leaning against the upright.

Steve Death died from cancer in 2003, but before his death, Death said:

"My record will eventually be broken by someone who has those big, strapping defenders in front of him, whereas I had only the likes of Gary Peters, Mark White, Martin Hicks, Steve Hetzke and that fool Henderson to protect me. He'll have the record, but I'll feel cheated!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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