Doctors at Bolton General Hospital have this afternoon confirmed reports that Kevin Nolan, the Bolton Wanderers midfielder and captain, has gone absolutely stark, raving bonkers.
Nolan, it was announced this morning, had just joined Newcastle United for £4million on a four-and-a-half year contract, when his fiancee Hayley rang 999 and contacted the local emergency ambulance service.
She said:
"Kevin came in as cool as you like, and calmly told me he'd signed for Newcastle
"It's barmy! We've just nicely decorated our bedroom and Jasmine's, and had a new shower put in! I don't want to leave Bolton. That Kinnear is a right tosser!"
Nolan has spent 12 seasons at Bolton, scoring 50 goals in 345 first-team appearances, and has played in all of the Trotters' 22 matches so far this season, scoring once.
His tenacity and inspirational style of play has been a big hit at the Reebok, and he had become a firm favourite with the fans. It's thought he may have seized his chance to transfer to St James Park as a result of a knock on the head he received in the recent 2-2 draw with Blackburn.
Doctor Ernest Mabuse, a senior neurologist at the Bolton Hospital, said:
"He's clearly off his rocker. Mad as March hare. We've run initial tests, and his brain's addled. He desperately needs to be given a good shake by the shoulders. I've seen cases like this before - Sam Allardyce was one - but to transfer from Bolton to Newcastle is a form of madness rarely seen, even in my field."
