Bob Woolmer Strangulation Latest

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 24 March 2007


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A piece of string similar to that used to strangulate Bob Woolworth

There was a new development in the "Was Bob Woolmer Murdered?" story yesterday, when it was confirmed that he was strangulated to death by strangulation, and, in all likelihood, not by a stranger.

The Pakistan coach may have known his strangulator, say Police, but it is not clear whether the strangulator was a professional stranglist or a stranger to strangling.

"It's a conundrum", said Police Commissioner Chaka Demus, "I can hardly say it!"

Forensic experts have ruled out ball-tampering.

"We are certain that we have the correct cause of death, even though Bob was a big man, and would have taken some considerable strangularising", said PC Pliers, adding "it would have needed a man of some substance and a large build to have throttled Bob so conclusively. Someone like, just for example, straight off the top of my Inzamam ul-Hatchet."

One problem that the Police have, is that marks at the crime scene, seem to suggest that the throttler wore gloves, though it's not clear whether these were of the batting or wicketkeeping variety. Pads may also have been worn.

Motive for the murder is not yet known, but Woolmer hated Muslim beards, and may have been strangulised for refusing to grow one.

All the Pakistan players have been interviewed by Chief Demus' men, and have had their documents confiscated. Their passports are currently in the possession of Jamaican Yardie gangs who are forging them for illicit identification purposes, so that they may go about their "work" abroad more efficiently.

A final irony in this case, is that a CD found in the hotel corridor outside Woolmer's room could have helped the Police establish the cause of death much earlier.
A copy of The Stranglers Greatest Hits featuring "Something Better Change", "I Feel Like A Wog", and the poignant "Get A Grip On Yourself", could have saved valuable time in the investigation.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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