And there’s Mahmoud the Rude Dude in his funny car, loaded up with jugs of gasoline, all wired up and ready to go.
And our favourite, Baba Holy Riley, in his dented boat – we think it used to be an Oldsmobile – and he’s got more explosives than a Rita Rudner concert! (… Rita Rudner … no one, really? Too lame a reference?)
And coming up on the left is Sylla the Thrilla Killa in his smashed pick-up truck that he “borrowed” from his brother – and it’s about to blow the roof off this derby!
And fifteen other drivers are in their jalopies, packed tight with C4 and jellied gasoline, ready to make this derby one of the best!
And they’re off!
Holy fuck they’re blowing up all over the place – wheel rims are flying into the audience – is that a leg? Yes, that guy in the audience caught a leg – so he gets one free day at the Kabul spa for Mad Bombers (so much stress – let Mad Bombers work out the kinks) – maybe he’ll be loose and relaxed enough to hop on the car bomb trend and [as Jimi Hendrix sang] … hit the sky!
And someone has just run onto the field ululating – (I can never do that, my tongue doesn’t work that way, but it’s sooooo cool, even if only women are supposed to do it!) – and he jumped on the hood of a car and blew himself up before the car could blow up! What does the ref say? The ref blew up too! Is everybody carrying here? What is this, Florida?
Boom! Boom! Wow, what a derby! There goes a head! One of the cars – I think it’s Shabba the Fatwa – just drove into the stands and blew up – audience members tried to get out of the way – but you can’t when the Shabba Fatwa is comin’ at ya! Ambulances are waiting outside the gates – they don’t want to come in, cuz, well, they don’t want to blow up, goes without saying – ulululululululul-ate! Ah, I still can’t do it!
And there’s the last car blown up – the whole derby done and gone – these things don’t last long, and we’re not exactly sure who the winner is, but whatever, we’ve all had fun, haven’t we? Except for those who died – they had the most fun of all!
Tune in again next year when we get some American POWs and strap them to the cars and see if their god comes to rescue them from … the 1001th Annual Car Bomb Derby, sponsored by the Chinese Communist Party Cola – taste the repression!
