Home Run in the Holy Land

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Saturday, 14 January 2023

image for Home Run in the Holy Land
Take Me Out to the -- Put Down the Gun, Moshe!

The Israelis have embraced baseball! Or they’re trying … they’re really trying …

Acclaimed American coach, Wally Whackamole, has been flown to the Holy Land (if that’s not irony at its finest) to teach the fine art of the Wrigley Field diamond.

And here’s Wally now teaching some of his latest teammates the game.

“Moshe, Moshe, no, why do you have a gun on the field? A bat, not a gun.

“No, you use the bat to hit the ball – not the Palestinian in the stands – I don’t know how he got here – this is your country, don’t you let anyone watch a game? Well that sounds like aparthied to me, but whatever, I don’t live here – what the hell was that?

“An explosion in the left outfield. And is that the sound of a helicopter? Is that napalm? What’s white phosphorus?

“You’re never gonna get people to watch your games if you kill them or throw them in jail – why’s there a paddy wagon in the outfield?

“Jacob, for the last time, no, if the umpire says the ball is out, you’re not supposed to take it as a personal insult and threaten to steal his land and home and – Chaim, that’s not what we mean by stealing a plate – you leave it on the ground and run from one to another without being tagged by the ball.

“No he’s not trying to hit you and undermine your country and heritage – it’s just a goddamn game, for Christ’s sake.

“What? No, I’m not Christian, it’s just an expression, I don’t want to own and control Jerusalem, who fucking cares about an embassy?

“I’d like a goddamn hot dog about now – you don’t have pork here? Well then fuck it, without hot dogs there is no baseball, I’m outa here. I’ll try to teach hockey to people in the Congo.”

And there you have it, another failed experiment – seems as though anyone outside of North America and Japan (strangely) cannot learn the fine old game of baseball!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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