Welcome, sports fans, to the First Annual (maybe) Anne Heche Motorsport 500!
Join us now as the race is already in progress.
And Anne Heche in the Mini Cooper (really? She’s a millionaire and she speeds around L.A. in a Mini?) is going around the bend (in more than one way) at a top speed of 200 mph – hopped up on wine and vodka and ‘having a bad day’ after her ridiculous podcast slurred speech (how can you not hear that? Someone’s getting sued).
Boy howdy, when I have a bad day … let’s just say, it must be nice to be rich enough to go on a drunken joyride – and still garner sympathy from other vacuous actors.
Alec Baldwin in the Cadillac Turbo 3000 has rounded the bend, staying close to Anne’s Mini – and Baldwin has just aimed a gun out his window and fired a few shots – a desperate attempt to get into first place, but sorry, Alec, Anne is just too driven (Hi-yo! Now that’s comedy!)
And now Rosanna Arquette is in the race in her pink Porsche, trying to catch up, very worried that she won’t since Anne had taken a commanding lead in this All-Star Hollywood race – we haven’t seen it’s like since OJ Simpson put a gun to his head in Al Cowlings’ white Bronco.
Now James Tupper, ex-hubby of Anne, has caught up on a motorcycle, saying he still loves Anne and so does the son they had together, and will she please slow down?
Sorry, James, this is a race, and victory goes to the brave and drunk!
Now Anne has raced past a Daycare Center going 220 mph and – OH MY GOD – she has just crashed into a house with the homeowner sitting a mere two feet from the car! The house is completely destroyed and the homeowner has been made homeless by a rich psycho bitch! What a race!
Is that gonna slow down Anne? Hell no! She jams it into reverse and spins smoke off her tires as the Mini revs up to 100 mph down a narrow residential street (the people who live there say it’s a quiet neighbor … usually, until some fucking celebrity goes on a bender – they are all assholes, even one of them, rich assholes who care only about – this reporter had to cut off that witness since it’s not good for ratings).
And Anne is racing faster than cops (who still have yet to press charges – Anne is white, blonde, rich, famous – and can buy and sell any LA cop – if she can just win this race!)
OH NO – Anne has had an upset – she just smashed the Mini into ANOTHER HOUSE (if this wasn’t tragic, it would be hilarious!) and that looks like the end.
Alec Baldwin is still firing his gun, but none of the bullets seemed to have hit their target (no shit), but it looks like Anne is down for the count.
Firefighters are on the scene and they have pulled her from the burning wreckage and put her on a gurney – but wait! She’s not done yet. Even naked, Anne is trying to climb off the gurney to keep this race going!
What a gal!
Well, folks, looks like Anne is down for the count, the cops and paramedics won’t let her continue (spoilsports!), so the Anne Heche Motorsport 500 has come to an end.
Stay tuned for next year when Anne is freed from all charges, pays off people to keep their mouths shut, and has Will Smith drive a Mini for her!
Can’t wait to see how he tries to resurrect his career!
Stay tuned, sports fans!
