Ever since Janet Jackson's boob flashed the audience in 2004 your parents have had it in for the Supebowl Halftime Show, and the 2022 show gave them ample ammunition to perpetuate this grumpy trend.
You hoped that Snoop Dog's affiliation with Martha Stewart and the Puppybowl was enough to ingratiate him with your mom, and wheeling him out first gave you some glimmer of hope that she wouldn't immediately tune the show out. You even tried joking that you heard his wife's pet name for him is Snoopy to try and butter your mom up. Unfortunately, the first thing she mentioned was seeing the album "Doggy Style" in your room when you were a teenager and knowing what that meant because she was young too once, and she couldn't understand why you'd want to listen to that trash, and wasn't he a gangster rapper or something like that?
When Dr. Dre came out and started rapping you could tell your dad was having none of it despite Dre sounding much better than you thought he would after spending the last decade getting super-rich off hawking overpriced headphones.
Just when you thought it couldn't get worse they bring out 50 Cent hanging upside down to help you recognize him despite the fact he was clearly up to at least a dollar. Even you were surprised a little bit that they let him perform "In The Club" but you certainly didn't immediately start muttering how inappropriate this was and that this wasn't for children and they should be ashamed...
You hoped that turning the volume down will help ease your parent's ire, and at least Mary J Blige is singing instead of rapping, which does seem to calm them down to a mild heap of disapproval. Eminem follows that up by performing his one radio friendly song, which even your parents have to admit is a little catchy, but then he ruins it by kneeling which is now synonymous with being Unamerican somehow.
The final nail in the coffin comes when your dad realizes they are dancing on top of a 66 Chevy, which is even more damning than actual blasphemy. You try to calm them down by pointing out at least there isn't a simulated orgy going on onstage, which you quickly regret uttering the word orgy in front of them knowing you are only hurting your own cause. You make only final desperate attempt to console them by stating at least they didn't use a giant sheet and a spotlight to make anyone's guitar look like a twenty foot weiner like Prince did.
At this point you just give up and let your parents turn on something else for five minutes and miss the Bengals score 10 points in two minutes, but at least you went on Youtube and rewatched the Prince halftime show, which you had to admit was far superior to anything you've seen at the Superbowl since.
