ELMONT, New York – (Satire News) – News coming out of Elmont is that the Maryland Racing Guild has just disqualified three thoroughbreds, that were to have raced in the 153rd running of the Belmont Stakes, horse racings Third Jewel of the Triple Crown.
Acting Assistant Executive Commissioner Cleopatra Pincafino, 57, informed the racing news media that two of the horses tested positive for Horvaliffativa and the third horse tested positive for Scronch P-18.
Two of the horses Joan of Arkansas and Glue Bottle each contained three times the legal limit for the strong medication commonly referred to as Horvapalooza,
This Trans Farko class drug, causes the horse to imagine that he or she is the famous thoroughbred race horse Sea Biscuit and as a result it will run 2.7 times faster than normal.
Meanwhile Scronch P-18, is a drug that is imported from the infamous Pompom Mountains of Slovenia and has all of the consistency of Peruvian Marching Dust.
Scronch P-18, causes the horse to become extremely hyper, astonishingly jittery, and can actually run for over 9 miles due to the fact that it truly believes that it is being chased by an adult African lion.
The Maryland racing guild has stated that the owners, the trainers, and even the jockeys of the three horses will all be hit with 5-figure fines.