DALLAS – (Sports Satire) – Cowboys owner, general manager, and sometimes bus driver, Jerry Jones, says that, after winning their third game in a row, his team can smell the playoffs.
Jones stressed that the Cowboys are playing pretty much flawless football.
His team crushed the Philadelphia Eagles 37-17, after dieting on nothing but watermelon for 36 hours previous to the Sunday kickoff.
Jones and his coach, Mike McCarthy, hired one of the world’s foremost sports nutritionists, Dr. Novalania Pag from Gina, Croatia, who put the entire team, including the coaches and the Cowboys cheerleaders, on the very successful “36-Hour Watermelon Diet”.
Dr. Pag, who, in 1991, was named the very first Miss Crotia, developed the “36-Hour WD” in 1990, after she had inexplicably gained 17 pounds in only 28 days.
Jones said that he is amazed as hell at what the diet did for his team. He stated, not only did his players lose .8 pounds each, but they became much more spirited, livelier, and even extremely polite.
Coach McCarthy said that he had never in his entire coaching career heard players use so many “Thank yous”, “Excuse mes”, and “I’m sorrys”.
SIDENOTE: Dr. Pag informed Sports Ball Illustrated that, in the past, she has had excellent results with other sports teams, including the Tijuana Guacamolians, Tottenham Hotspur, and the Osaka Sakimakers.