DARLINGTON, S.C. – After conducting numerous meetings between the top NASCAR officials, racing sponsors, and President Trump, the racing organization is happy to announce that fans will soon be seeing the green flag once again.
NASCAR spokesperson, Howie “Carburetor” Tycaster, informed the racing media that they’ll kick off the races on May 17, with the Darlington 500, which is being revised a bit, and will actually now be the Darlington 200.
Fans, however, will not be allowed in the stands, and the racecar drivers will have to keep a distance of at least six feet from each of the other racecars on the track.
All drivers, including Kyle “The Attitude” Busch, will be required to wear a special racing mask, made out of burlap and aluminum foil.
When asked about the pit crews, Tycaster simply said that all crew members will have to wear scuba diving outfits and diving masks.
He then added that during the duration of the race, none of the pit crew members will be allowed to smoke, chew tobacco, or, in the case of crew chief, Billy Bobby “Bubba” Hopquist, play the accordion.
Tycaster explained that NASCAR will run the Coca-Cola 600, in Charlotte, North Carolina, on May 24, at 3 am.
He added that the 600 is also being revised, and will now be called the Charlotte 7-Up 77.
A representative for the race drivers stated that all of the drivers can hardly wait for the extreme adrenalin thrill of racing left, left, left, left.