"Flattening the Curve"

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Saturday, 4 April 2020

image for "Flattening the Curve"

Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles. Walkem Quicker reporting for SOS - Spoof On Sports. [That was a pun, son, for octogenarians who remember Cardinal's catcher, Walker Cooper.] With the MLB season in disarray due to the virus crisis, fans didn't expect to hear so much about curve balls for a few months, but it's there every night on the evening news. "How to flatten the curve?" is the question most repeated nightly by right-wingers on Fox, and lefties on CNN. Or, if they aren't flattening it, they are wanting to know how to straighten or bend it, although if it's a curve, it's already bent.

The curve that everyone wants to flatten, of course, has nothing to do with baseball. It's the rapidly rising curve of the virus toll that we want to straighten out, not a pitch from Nolan Ryan.

Any old MLB pitcher in the twilight of his career, knew all about flattening curves. He didn't have to learn how to straighten them out. It came naturally, with age, and it wasn't what he wanted. His curve became a slow fast ball, and he had to turn quickly on the mound to see it go over the wall.

A young rookie might have had no trouble bending a curve in his younger days, but when it began to straighten out after a few years, his time in the majors was ending. Now, if he were Clayton Kershaw, what looked like a bad outing in his last World Series against the Astros - consecutive home runs that blew what looked like a winning lead - might actually be explained away as stolen signs rather than a flattened curve ball.

But rest assured, when the virus runs its course, and baseball is here again, the only talk about flattened curves will come from disgruntled fans and critical sports writers who wonder why Walkem Quicker has lost his stuff and is still on the mound.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!


Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more