In a move that has shocked the NFL nation, the Cincinnati Bengals have traded two ball boys and a one-eyed dog to the Washington Redskins for Redskins’ owner Daniel Snyder. The trade was approved by a laughing NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, who ended up having to be admitted into a hospital with pseudobulbar.
Daniel Snyder, one of the most charismatic and affable owners of all time, will take ownership of a team that finished last season with the worst record in the league. Snyder says he is “up for the task”, and is “looking forward to the challenge”.
“We are going to do things the right way," stated an excited Snyder at a press conference in Cincinnati. “I have taken over bad teams before, and made them even worse. I will hire a head coach who will not have a clue how to coach a team. I will hire a general manager who will be totally committed to the whims of my folly. I will draft players that no one has ever heard of. I will sign free agents who are past their prime on record-breaking contracts. I can do this, because I'm the fucking owner."
When asked about who he would hire as his head coach, Snyder replied: “There is this shoeshine boy who works on the corner of 19 and M in Washington, who has a lot of knowledge about sports. I am going to hire him as my general manager. As far as the coach goes, I’m going to hire a yogi. Yogis are good people. They are really knowledgeable about pro football."
As of press time, Snyder was in the process of giving Luke Currency, a 6th-grade little league football player, a $120 million 3-year deal to lead the Bengals.