Ten possible name changes for the Washington R$ds$kin$

Funny story written by Samuel Vargo

Friday, 15 January 2016

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Turtle Island was stolen from the Indains. Thank yous come by R$ds$kin$.and other Indian mascots.

The name of the Washington NFL team is offensive to the majority of American Indians. And this isn't some satire writer's opinion, 67% of American Indians say they find the team name offensive. Even Canadian Indians don't like it. Not to mention a lot of folks who aren't Indians. And it's a racist term, a nasty word that goes back to the days of the Indian Wars, when white settlers and pioneers would scalp an Indian child, woman, or man, then trade in these scalps for cold, hard cash. The name for these scalps: redskins.

The U.N. is against the name of this team. So are many celebrities - from actors to professional athletes to politicians - yes, even President Barack Obama - say the team name should be changed. And to call this team's performance in the past couple decades lackluster is an understatement. A better term would be 'a grave disappointment'. In the past three years alone things haven't been all that good for this NFL franchise. The R$ds$kin$ went 4-12 last year and 3-13 the year before. This season was a banner year, though, as the R$ds$kin$ went 9-7 in the regular season. They even made a wild-card playoff bid but lost to the Green Bay Packers by the score of 35-18. Yes, the Packers, a favorite of many Sioux, walloped the R$ds$kin$. But hey, the Washington NFL franchise finished on top of the NFC East in 2015, so congrats!

Daniel Snyder, the majority owner of the team since 1999, is one of the most controversial figures in professional sports, since he refuses to change the name. As New York Post sportswriter Mark Cannizzaro opines in a Dec. 14, 2014, online article: "Google the words "Redskins'' and "dysfunction'' and what you will find are more entries on your computer than you can fit inside of team's 79,000-seat FedEx Field home stadium.

"Add the words "Daniel'' and "Snyder'' to that Google search and you will risk blowing up your laptop with information overload.

"It's difficult to believe the Redskins, once one of the most storied franchises in the NFL, have been one of the sorriest franchises - not only in the NFL, but in professional sports - for the last decade-and-a-half.

"To trace the failures of the last 16 seasons leads you directly to the owner's box.

"Sure, there have been head coaches who have not worked out for varying reasons, players who have not been that good. But when you unearth everything that has taken place in Washington, team owner Daniel Snyder is the common denominator."

Although some would argue that being on top of the NFC East, going 9-7 this season, and making a wild-card bid should absolve Daniel Snyder of his pigskin 'sins', but how would the longstanding fans in Boston (New England), Pittsburgh, San Francisco, Indianapolis, Green Bay, Minnesota, Seattle, Philadelphia, and Denver feel if their NFL ball clubs had such a miserable history spanning most of the last two decades? What would the die-hard New York Giants' fan think? I'd presume that the typical fan of any of these fine American cities and regions would want the team owner to leave town by sundown!

So this little experiment in futility by this Spoof Writer is a list of possible names that Snyder might consider to change his team's name to - and all the names have some sort of relevance and pertinence to the District of Columbia, the City of Washington, our national capital's ambiance and mystique, and even the White House itself!

Of course, Snyder says he'll never change the name. But if he does, here are some of the possibilities for a name change:

1) The Washington Gridlock: When is the last time Democrats and Republicans ever agreed on anything? Pragmatism and bipartisanship are alien to these people and if you put all of them together - the Supreme Court, Congress, even the Presidential cabinet - they would most likely look like the residents of a nursing home. They're old, gray, crabby, very white, and mean-looking old men. Besides, gridlock rhymes with dreadlocks, sort of, kind of, anyhow, and this is the hair style pick of many of the NFL's superstars. It's a catchy word for these times and is not nearly as controversial as Re$sk$ns, and it's a fair and accurate portrayal of the sad state of affairs of the nation's capital's political atmosphere.

2) The Washington Hasidic Jews: Since Daniel Snyder is a Jewish gentleman, perhaps he would be more well-received if he was to racially align his team with his own ethnicity. Hasidic Judaism is Orthodox Judaism at its purest and finest - promoting spirituality through a mishmash of Jewish mysticism. It's relatively new, too, and was founded in 18th-century Eastern Europe by Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov as a reaction against overly legalistic Judaism. Think of it this way: With all the political legalese and legal mumbo-jumbo that our nation's capital is perennially enmeshed in, well, honoring Hasidic Judaism may be a welcomed change. Having a concentrated populace of Hasidic Jews working in the financial districts along the Eastern Seaboard might find some favor with those of this faith, too. It might even be a real crowd pleaser. And with so so many dreadlocks flying and floating around the football field in the NFL, the way in which Hasidic Jewish men wear their hair is sort of similar to the way some African-American players wear their hair. The Jewish guys might be a little lighter, but their hair's black and funky looking. Having a decal of a Hasidic Jewish man on the team's football helmets might be awe-inspiring and a source of pride. If you're Jewish or black and are as mad as hell right now, I guess I made my point. It's racist as hell, isn't it? Damned straight, it is!

3) The Washington Monuments: There are monuments, statues, and really weird-looking, stupendous, monolithic structures all over the nation's capital, and this might be a great name, too. Perhaps a newfangled, flashy, wrap-around insignia (like the battleship that encompasses the protective headgear of the Naval Academy's football team) could be the Lincoln Memorial, with Honest Abe sitting in his chair, staring out, and looking as serious as if he was in the midst of a Sunday afternoon grudge match. And there are all sorts of weird and crazy looking monuments on the National Mall - everything from a thin spire reaching up to the sky - like the Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial - to the Titanic Memorial, on the National Mall's Southwest quadrant, which looks like a hybrid between an angel and a shepherd jumping over a cliff.

4) The Washington Weirdos: When's the last time something sane and normal happened in Washington, D.C.? With an antediluvian Supreme Court Justice tipsy on wine, then showing the world her sleeping pose - with her chin resting on her chest - during a State of the Union Address; to a senior Senator from Arizona screaming at a group of dissidents during a committee meeting, calling them "low-life scum"; to the President putting a camera on a long stick, holding it high in the air in the Oval Office and taking selfies for an advertisement for Obamacare. There are so many of these weird things going on at these sacred grounds that make the news every day - to call these national leaders "normal" would be a misnomer. No, they're real weirdos.

5) The Washington Gangsters or the Washington Violent Criminals: Just venture out a few blocks from the nation's capital and it's as dangerous as being in a Coen Brothers movie. Washington is one of the most volatile and violent cities in the United States. Every year since 2000, Washington D.C.'s overall crime rate has far surpassed the overall national average. So instead of berating or being ashamed of our national capital's proclivity for violent crime, it can be celebrated by naming the Washington NFL football team something akin to the Washington Violent Criminals. A decal for the team's football helmets can be two AR-15s crossing like a coat of arms over the grimacing head of a pirate. Oh, that one's already taken by a Pittsburgh Pro baseball team, all except the machine guns in the Pittsburgh Pirates' banner are crossing baseball bats. Much more cute and cuddly and much more innocuous, by far...so raise the Jolly Roger!

6) The Washington Controversy: Whenever you get a large grouping of high-powered statesmen together, most of whom are lawyers and also, multi-millionaires, a lot of controversy ensues. These are people who are sparked by pride and ego. It's been this way since the Revolutionary War and the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776. Nothing's changed. And since Washington D.C. is like a controversy factory, perhaps this would be the perfect name for the city's NFL football team. It would fit the place to a tee. And there would be absolutely no controversy about this name change, since everyone knows controversy thrives here. The American populace is kind of proud of it, actually, and that's why so many of us watch far too much FOX News.

7) The Washington Filibusters: Filibusters are a lot of fun. Watching some congressman rattle on for days on end, reading out of a dictionary for each and every entry, is great entertainment. This is what happens when gridlock goes nuclear, and although it doesn't happen often, when it does, it's a lot like watching a tsunami crash on the shores of a seaside city. Of course, this name is a lot like the Washington Gridlock, which may be more apropos; and since filibusters don't come around all that often, naming the Washington NFL team the Washington Controversy or the Washington Gridlock may be a better pick.

8) The Men in Black or the Washington G-Men: The FBI, the CIA, the IRS, the Homeland Security people, and an alphabet soup of other clandestine operatives are doing very well, thank you, in the nation's capital. What better way to honor these government goons than to name our beloved national capital city's NFL football team after them? And while nobody in their right mind would ever want to have these men in black suits knock on their door, a football team named after these stealthy, super-smart spies and heavy duty cops might be a big hit not only in Washington, but throughout the United States.

9) The Washington Senile Old Buzzards Let's face it, a lot of our high-ranking congressmen, Supreme Court justices, Presidential cabinet members, and other federal dignitaries are as old as Methuselah. They babble, they drool, they do all sorts of crazy outlandish things, even on the national news. Why not honor them by naming an NFL football team the Washington Senile Old Buzzards? It would not be nearly as racist or offensive as the team's current name, and at least the American Indians would be kept out of the picture. Perhaps a head and shoulder shot of John McCain or Mitch McConnell could be a good football helmet decal.

10) The Washington Legalese: Every kind of crazy letter and memo, along with all the legislation, laws, and government documents of every kind of persuasion, is written in the language of legalese, something so tricky and cryptic that nobody understands it, even attorneys. So why not name this team after this indecipherable language?


Well there you have it, ten possible choices for new names for the Washington NFL team. Of course, Daniel Snyder swears that he'll never change the team's name, and just coming off a banner year (oh brother!), this makes him ten feet tall and bullet proof. Of course, Snyder can always sell the team to Oklahoma City and that team name will be changed faster than a heartbeat.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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