Dion Waiters Latest NBA Player to OD on Gummy Bears

Written by P.J. Maggitti

Sunday, 10 November 2019

image for Dion Waiters Latest NBA Player to OD on Gummy Bears
Jack Herer Gummy Bears will add 4" to your vertical leap.

Miami Heat guard, Dion Waiters, is the latest NBA player to run afoul of THC-infused gummy bears. On his team's flight from Phoenix to Los Angeles on Thursday. Waiters, 27, suffered a raging panic attack after he had "overdosed" on THC-infused gummy bears, per ESPN.

After Waiters had been forcibly removed from the plane and strip searched by airport security, a partially-consumed bag of Jack Herer Gummy Bears was found on his person. Each of those bears contains 10mg of THC, enough to provide a decent buzz for a normal person. Waiters, however, was eating gummy bears "like they were candy," according to teammate Jimmy Butler.

"I told the brother to pump the breaks, but he was tossing them into the air and catching them in his mouth like it was a game or something." Waiters eventually passed out, but upon being awakened in L.A., he had a seizure and soiled himself.

Waiters is the latest NBA player to succumb to the allure of gummy bears, which are this year's PED of choice. John Collins of the Atlanta Hawks, Deandre Ayton of the Phoenix Suns, Tyreke Evans of the Indiana Pacers, Nerlens Noel of the Dallas Mavericks, and others have received suspensions from the league for testing positive for gummy bears.

"A gummy a day, keeps fatigue at bay," laughed Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving, "especially when you're playing the second half of a back-to-back."

A spokesman for Jack Herer Corporation said that eating one gummy bear is like taking one or two hits off a joint. As there were only twenty-three bears left in Waiters' bag, we can assume he ate twenty-seven. That's 270mg of THC, enough to send even a 6'3", 230-pound baller down the rabbit hole.

Pat Riley, the Miami Heat's president, said that Waiters may have acquired the gummy bears legally when the Heat played in Denver recently. He declined to comment on Waiters' future with the Heat.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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