The Pouch Play: Manchester United Stretches The Rules

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Tuesday, 17 September 2019

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The Pouch Play

BILLINGSGATE POST: Did Manchester United stretch the rules when they signed the Pouch just days after the transfer of Harry Maguire in a transaction that rocked the Premier League last month?

Just who is the Pouch? And why was he signed by Manchester?

Pouch had a face vaguely resembling a kangaroo’s. Originally an immensely fat man who exhibited himself in a freakshow, he drastically lost weight but his skin did not shrink; it formed a “dewlap” at his throat and similar pouches all over his body. He then had snap fasteners surgically implanted into these, and used the pouches to conceal contraband.

Manchester United legend, Gary Neville, called for his former club to take a leaf out of the book of bitter rivals Liverpool, and up their efforts to bring the good times back to Old Trafford.

Voila! Upon hearing that the Pouch was available, and realizing his capacity for hiding the football in one of the pouches of his body, he was signed in a New York second from the eponymous Red Bulls of the MLS.

Slim: “You gotta love this guy. He used to weigh over 500 pounds. Just look at him now.”

Dirty: “The Pouch has it all. He can run like a deer, but has the moves of an elephant. He is more handsome than Harry Maguire: A trifecta and a triple threat wrapped up in body built for football.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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