"It's just not good enough," ranted FIFA President Gianni Infantino "and they've got to play the game fairly."
At a hastily-convened press conference for the alcohol-sodden, chain-smoking football press corps, the bald-as-a-coot Mr Infantino explained that the women's antics were bringing the game in to disrepute.
"I watched that England-Scotland match through my fingers in disbelief. There was no diving or simulation, as we euphemistically call it, and nobody collapsed as if they had been mortally wounded. Nobody surrounded the referee demanding that opposing players should be carded or sent off. There were no sly off-the-ball incidents while the officials were ball watching. Incredible!"
Mr Infantino continued while shaking his head.
"What is the matter with those women? If they carry on like this, it could be the death of football as we know it."