Dallas Cowboys Hire New Head Coach

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Thursday, 25 January 2007

image for Dallas Cowboys Hire New Head Coach
The Lone Star team hired a new head coach, and unveiled a new logo

The question on everyone's lips at the Jerry Jones surprise press conference was who was to be announced as the new head coach of America's team, the NFL Dallas Cowboys. Speculation has been rampant in Dallas and all of Texas about the identify of the new coach. Las Vegas bookmakers have even been laying odds as to the identity of this mysterious person.

Wade Phillips? No. Dan Reeves? Try again. Lovie Smith? Nope. Urban Meyer? Still not right. Dennis Green? You're kidding. Charlie Weiss? Wrong.

After firing Jimmy Johnson after winning two consecutive Super Bowls, Jones stated that any one of 500 coaches could lead the group of players he has assembled to another NFL championship. He has only won one since, and has not been back since that victory. In fact, his team has not won a playoff game in over 10 years.

In typical flair and fashion, Jones stepped to the speaker and announced his choice. Said the team owner, "The new coach of the Dallas Cowboys will be Bobby Knight. He is right here in Texas, coaching only a few hundred miles away in Lubbock. He has won more games than any other coach in men's division one. He has several championships under his belt. He has led teams to undefeated seasons and through the college playoffs to win it all. He is a no nonsense kind of guy and the disciplinarian that players like Terrell Owens need."

When it was pointed out the Jones that Knight was a college basketball coach and had no football experience, he disagreed. "He is a coach and a leader of men. Knight is a winner. The Dallas Cowboys are winners. It is a great marriage."

Another reporter pointed out that Knight was famous for his tirades, such as throwing chairs across the basketball court. "We have no chairs on our sidelines, and most of our benches have multiple 350 pound linemen sitting on them. He won't be throwing any chairs in this league."

"If he could throw Larry Allen or Flozell Adams, that would be a different story!"

Oakland Raiders' owner Al Davis was upset by the announcement. "Yesterday, I hire this 31 year old kid just barely out of his pampers, expecting to get all the headlines. Today, Jerry takes it away by hiring a basketball guy. How does he come up with this crap?"

Knight will continue to coach the Texas Tech University Red Raiders basketball team through the end of the NCAA season (and possibly NCAA tournament) before beginning his duties with the Cowboys. He has encouraged his school to hire former baseball great Pete Rose as his replacement.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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