Written by Backandtotheleft

Monday, 19 March 2018

Manchester United manager, Jose Mourinho, has launched into a astonishing defence of his time at United. Predictably blaming anything and everything but himself for a string of mediocre performances throughout the season.

He said:

Against Seville it was cold. A lot of my players don’t like the cold so they will of course run slower, this is normal. I tried to get the brightness in the floodlights turned down because this was stopping my players seeing where the half way line was, I’m not saying this was a problem but it was a problem.

You could see he was desperate to get something big off his chest when he said:

Of course some players have been corrupted...

He let the phrase hang in the air before one of the assembled journos said two of his trigger words. Luke Shaw:

Fat! Lazy! And in league with Wenger! We all know this but I say
nothing.

Asked how Wenger had anything to do with Shaw’s form Mourinho began frothing at the mouth. He clicked his fingers and several of United’s first team squad carried in heavy looking boxes stuffed with papers. Mourinho upended each one onto the desk.

See, see these are Shaw’s running stats at Southampton BEFORE the specialist in failures interest in him. Look at these charts!

He threw a pile of graphs in our direction.

And these, these are the stats AFTER Wenger talks about him in this interview.

He pressed a button and he lights dimmed and a screen descended.

A twenty minute Arsene Wenger interview played in which at the end he was asked his opinion on young English prospects. He highlights the Southampton academy as a fine example of how academies should be run. But no specific mention of Shaw

The lights came back on and Mourinho began pointing:

You see! You see! It’s his eyes they broke Shaw! Caused him to comfort eat, caused him not to obey my orders-

We’d noticed some of the more perceptive journalists had slipped out while the lights were out. We edged along our row of empty seats as he continued.

How can I build a team when he is allowed to manage? I take his best player and still...still...

We sensed a change in his tone and hesitated before we left the room.

Still...why won’t anyone love me they way they do him?

His high pitched wailing as he threw litres of tears to the floor will haunt us to this very day.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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