Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 12 April 2018

image for Spurs' Harry Kane In Hot Water With Girlfriend
I swear on all that is holy, that it came off my shoulder

Harry Kane, the Tottenham and England footballer, was in hot water with his girlfriend after he swore on his daughter's life that he scored his side's second goal during their 2-1 victory over Stoke City on Saturday.

The Premier League goals accreditation panel had initially given the to its rightful owner, Spurs midfielder Christian Eriksen, but said the decision had been reversed after taking Kane's testimony into account, and reviewing match footage.

The PL's 3-person panel agreed that "the final touch on the ball belonged to Kane".

Kane, himself, claimed after the game that Eriksen's free-kick had grazed his shoulder before crossing the line, and said:

"I swear on my daughter's life that I touched the ball."

But Kane's girlfriend, Katie Goodland, was not happy, and was waiting behind the door for him when he arrived home later in the day. She was armed with a rolling-pin. Little Ivy Jane, 1, whose life had been sworn upon in association with her desperate dad's wild 'goal claim', was upstairs, sleeping soundly in her cot.

What happened next will be the subject of a future Question Of Sport quiz round, and we are prohibited from discussing it here on TheSpoof.com, but you can be sure it wasn't pleasant.

Katie refused to discuss the incident afterwards, saying merely:

"What a knobhead, using our Ivy Jane's life in that way! I won't forget this when it comes to our divorce settlement."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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