Written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 10 April 2018

image for Commonwealth Games Shock as England Tiddlywinks Player Is Sent Home
What do you mean tiddly wink?

In a hastily convened press conference at the Commonwealth Gold Coast games today, the Me Too Movement, assisted by Femen activists, told how they had been investigating a catalogue of abuse by English number one tiddlywinker and Balham’s former “arthouse” film director, J. Arthur Rancour. Mr. Rancour has since been expelled from the England tiddlywinks team.

Rancour’s partner in the mixed doubles tiddlywinks team, Prudence Hande-Jobb, tearfully described the catalogue of abuse she had suffered with him during their time as World, Olympic, European and UK Champions whilst also acting as sporting ambassadors for the London Borough of Balham.

“I blame myself really, because when I first met Mr. Rancour his film career had collapsed and I felt sorry for him. He told me how he had been forced to settle out of court for what he told me was a mistaken encounter with a hidden camera and a budding film starlet and he told me he didn’t know that the camera was running at the time. (See our story: Balham Film Director's New Release: "Valley of the Trolls" 8th August 2013. Ed.) He had then just won the Balham Championship singles event by a large margin and we hit it off immediately, me as a member of the UK ladies’ under-21s and he as an experienced player looking for a partner for the mixed doubles.

“He told me that together we could conquer the world, live the high life and make a fortune. All I had to do was stick with him. I was captivated. Training was fun, he was good company and in our private sessions at his house he always liked the heating turned up as he said it was good for working out. When it got too hot, I felt quite comfortable whenever he suggested stripping down to our underwear. He was my mentor and I trusted him.

“Our first mixed doubles competition was in Thailand at the Bangkok Wide Open. We were sharing a hotel room, Mr. Rancour said it was for my own protection. On day one of the round robin competition, things didn’t go well. We lost the first round as he just couldn’t get it together, although I was playing well. That night in the hotel, I asked if there was anything I could do to get him back on form and he was reticent at first, but eventually he said if I would be the squidger to his wink, it would relax him and improve his concentration.

“No-one had suggested that to me before and I was a little bit shocked by it. He didn’t pressurise me and said it was my decision alone, but after some thought I agreed to do it. Well, it was a complete surprise to me how quickly, with a little bit of squidging, I managed to squop his wink. He said I was his best tiddlywink girl ever, which pleased me no end, and I was happy when we went on to become the Bangkok Wide Open champions. From there then we went to Phuket where we won the South East Asian Championship too.

“It became a regular thing, going to championships, sharing a room and always winning, as long as I squidged his wink every night. It was the good life, but then last month I went to an England women’s team training camp. It was in the changing room where I heard two B team players talking in the shower. One said to the other how good it was to be in a single sex meeting so that the “tiddlywanker” wasn’t there. Suddenly it all fell into place about how stupid I had been.”

At this juncture, the press conference was interrupted when an irate J. Arthur Rancour burst into the room, shouting his displeasure:

“Admit it Prudence, you loved every minute of it. It’s all down to me, your fame, your fortune, all of it. What’s more, I don’t have a tiddly wink, you had to use both hands. It’s HUGE. Any lady journalist can come and see for herself.”

After Mr. Rancour was escorted from the room by bare breasted Femen security guards (Have you got any photos, Pax? Make sure to delete this. Ed), our correspondent was likewise removed from the press conference when he asked Miss Hande-Jobb if she liked to swallow.

STOP PRESS: MALAYSIAN PING PONG TEAM PROTESTS THAT WELSH OPPONENTS PONG WHEN THEY SHOULD PING.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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