Miembro, New Mexico - In a first ever unanimous vote, America's most prominent urological society today gave Draymond Green its Man of the Year Award. Normally given at year's end, this year's award came prematurely, but it was a move that sparked no controversy.
"Draymond Green kicks or hits someone in the balls at least once every day," said Burt Long, vice-President of the association, and Professor Emeritus of Foreskin Disorders at the University of Minnesota Wang Lo School of Urology.
"Hopefully, he has inspired others to do the same, and that drums up serious business, from which all of us in the 'pecker checker' business stand to profit handsomely."
Urologists, otherwise known as "dick doctors", specialize in disorders of the penis and testicles.
"Usually men come to us with banal complaints about dickheads retreating down their shafts whenever they wear Dockers on their morning bike commutes or stupid gripes about their cocks breaking out in hives after they tried beating off with grape seed oil, and we fucking can't stand it," said Long.
"If Draymond Green has started a trend here, we stand to deal with serious organ traumas as do our buddies in the ER, who all look down on us, and call us names suggesting we went into our speciality because we 'love dongs.'"
Long said most urologists he knows are looking into making major purchases in anticipation of a rise in business from groin attacks by Green admirers and copy cat ball and cock kickers.
"I'm getting a boat myself," said Long. "A huge boat that I will put in the smallest pond I can find."
Long went on to say that it is indeed the size of the vessel and not the motion in the ocean.
"Anyone saying the contrary obviously took their urological training in China or some other Asian country," said Long. "Either that, or they have something to hide."