Baltimore - First Lady Michelle Obama escorted a group of mostly Hispanic, non-English speaking kids to a ghetto community garden on the first leg of her month long "Garden Organic Now America!" tour, where she told them "organic gardening teaches things they won't tell you in school."
She held up as her first example a miracle grow cucumber, which she shook in front of the first grade kids' faces, saying "I bet you didn't know this is shaped just like a full grown man's cock!"
She yanked next from the ground a carrot and said "and this, this is what one looks like when a man turns 75, except that it's usually not orange."
Saying Organic Farming "was deeply erotic and phallic" the first lady next pulled from a wilting vine two green tomatoes and said "and these, these look just like balls."
The teacher tried telling the First Lady that most of the children were Central American migrants from the previous summer's border crisis and none of them understood any but the most basic English phrases.
"Also, they're very shy," the teacher tried explaining.
"Ask them if they know what a cock is in Spanish," the First Lady demanded.
The secret service pulled Mrs. Obama away from the kids and out of the patch, with her screaming "melons are big old boobies!" and "broccoli is an aphrodisiac!" until finally one of the agents saw fit to muzzle her with a handkerchief until he could force her into the back of her Cadillac SUV limousine.
The teacher went on to say the kids probably just thought she was another of the city's crazy bag ladies.
"They're probably still glad they're in America," she said, but said also she'll never let the First Lady anywhere near them ever again, just to make sure.
"I now realize what she meant when she said next time she'd take them 'corn-holing'," the teacher said.