Albuquerque, New Mexico - In what Sheriff Deputies called "a scene reminiscent of frontier vigilante justice," an Albuquerque area magician was treed by a drunken mob that took exception to his act.
Performing at an airport Ramada Inn, the magician was reported to have "gone off the deep end" midway through his show.
"He introduced us to all of his pet dwarf monkeys," said a local patron known only as "Bob".
"That seemed innocent enough, and many of us even applauded," Bob said.
Then things got pretty weird.
"He pulled down his pants and all six of the little monkeys jumped to the floor and then crawled up his leg and then, one by one, they all ran along and then dove off the guy's dick."
The audience was shocked, both at the weird depravity of the act but also at how far the monkeys flew.
"They went right across the room," said the bartender.
The tiny monkeys kept returning to the stage to run the length of the magician's shaft and jump into the audience off the tip of his dick.
"He had some sound effect that made a sound like a diving board," said a customer.
"One of those little dick monkey's landed right in my drink," said a disgusted female patron.
The bartender said the magician had a music box and wound it so it played continuous circus music as the monkey's were flying off his dick.
The Sheriff's office reports the bartender says the crowd "finally stormed the stage after one monkey landed in some black lady's huge Afro."
"A lot of us are stuck in the seventies out here," the bartender explained.
The magician ran for the exits, followed by all but one of his shrieking, two inch tall monkeys.
"One cute little guy flew off his dick and landed in my cash register drawer," the bartender said. "He was obviously seeking sanctuary, so I shut it real quick and whispered through it that I'd do what I could to try finding him a reasonably good home."
The mob chased the magician, vowing to kill him with their broken beer bottles until they finally arrived in a "very depressing residential area" and the magician scampered up a Bur Oak Tree.
He threw at the mob handfuls of the hundreds of pennies he had in his pockets for an unspecified next part of his act and was pelting the mob with them when the Sheriff finally arrived.
"They followed us to the jail and wanted to string him up," the Sheriff said.
"Shots were fired but I couldn't pin point by who," he said.
The Sheriff went on to say that Albuquerque is a pretty rough town, with more than its share of psychotics and degenerates, but he also said that "even the most depraved" of the town's citizens "knew where to draw the line."
The Sheriff's office would not release the name of the magician.
"He was not in technical violation of any law," a spokesman explained.
The Sheriff said the magician was taken into protective custody, where he presently remains.
"There's still a lynch mob outside the jail, so he's scared to go out," the spokesman said.
The Sheriff's office went on to say that surrounding the jail with torches and chanting "throw the bastard out so we can skin him alive" doesn't violate any laws either.
"Really, it's kind of the wild west out here," he explained. "We don't have many laws about much of anything."
The Sheriff said the magician "will need to make a run for it at some point."
"We need the cell space," the spokesman said. "We use it for winos and belligerent tourists."
