Dublin, Ohio - The day after shooting the worst round in his illustrious golfing career, an 85, at Jack Nicklaus's Memorial Tourny, Tiger Woods' caddie told our man on the scene, Chip Fairway, that his boss's mental frustrations on the course all stem from a long and sticky feud he has been having with the Professional Golf Association.
It seems that for years now, Tiger and his team of swing coaches, PR reps, agents and fashion designers have been petitioning the league to let him unzip his infamous dong, and use it as his full-time, on-tour putter. "He can drain anything with that thing," told caddie Joe Lacava. "He's an ace with it from inside ten feet. I've never seen him miss a putt... or a vagina."
Apparently, Tiger has been practicing for hours upon hours each day around the house, even having a non-slip Super Stroke grip put on the thing, hoping that the PGA might change their mind at the last minute, and let him use his wang in the upcoming U.S. Open at Chambers Bay, Washington.
"It's really the last shot he has to regain his game," told swing coach Butch Harmon, who has tried everything in his arsenal to shave a few points off Tiger's game-and elsewhere. "I say, let him use the thing if he's comfortable with it. Who's it going to hurt? Probably just some old girlfriend's will be jealous - but who cares? Live and let live, I say," said Lacava.
But the PGA worries mostly that major sponsors will start to back out, and that the pulsing crowds of female fans and homosexual golfers will be too big for most of the courses that they play on tour. "We simply can't go showing that on national television!" said a top PGA tour official, who wished to remain anonymous. "But I tell ya, even though I'm not a gay man myself, I'd sure love to watch him use that thing to stuff the ball in the hole - any hole!"
"They won't even let him use it for the opening rounds on Thursday and Friday," told a very angry caddie, Lacava, who personally thinks that Lindsay Vonn was more than likely responsible for getting his boss's balls kicked off tour for good. "That ski-bitch," said Lacava. "And then, right after she has the goddamn nerve to dump Tiger, she immediately starts chasing after Dustin Johnson!" (who apparently uses his wiener as a 3 wood when the cameras aren't around.)