"I not inept. I am ept," claims van Gaal

Funny story written by T. Loaf

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

While Manchester United's downward spiral under Louis van Gaal's leadership persists, the Dutch General is still filing on his English skills.
At a rumbustious press conference after United's recent defeat to Stoke City, van Gaal was asked why his team was fairing so badly. The following is a brief extract from the press conference:


Journalist:Mr van Gaal, your team keeps losing. How much longer do you think the club will put up with such results?

van Gaal:My team not lose, other team wins. This is the problem. You journalists not see this. I tell players what to do, but only my players. I tell them in English, in Dutch, in French, in German. You don't see that, yes?

Journalist:But Wayne Rooney doesn't speak Dutch....

van Gaal:He speak no language, but he very well knowing where the corner flag is, as we are saying in Amsterdam....

Journalist: Maybe....There have been reports of mutiny among players. Experts have branded you 'inept'. Fair criticism?

van Gaal First, no mutiny against me, mutiny against results. Second. I not inept. I am fully ept. In fact, ik ben onfeilbaar (infallible). So put this in your ink and wash it...

Journalist: Why is your hair shaped like the onset of a busby?

van Gaal Hair my business. You look at yours please.

Journalist: You bought Schweinsteiger from Bayern Munich for nearly 15 million pounds, only to comment he's no longer any good. Wayne Rooney is always on the bench, even though he's the best footballer in England. Can you appreciate why some doubt your abilities? And is it true that team players must wear clogs to away games?

van Gaal: Absurditeit! Also home games! And not just players, all staff! I no ability require. I am Dutch perfection....


Rumours that van Gaal plans to have Old Trafford transformed into a tulip field over the close season were not touched on at the press conference, and Manchester urban development authorities refused to confirm whether building permission had been granted for the construction of seven windmills at the Stretford End.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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