Written by T. Loaf

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Liverpool's new manager, Jürgen Klopp, arrived at the team's training ground yesterday sporting a long beard and two metre shaft. After his crash course in English at the Evertonian Biblical Society, Klopp felt more than ready for his future tasks.

"Thou shalt not hasten until I thou to behold", he stammered to his players, many of whom (especially those from abroad, i.e. 90 per cent) were surprised at Klopp's 'turn of phrase' and to see him cloaked in white, holding a shepherd's crook and a lamb under one arm.

"We have but tremendous talents within these shores", stated Klopp, "though betwixt we need more. I have bequested all mothers on Merseyside to sacrifice their first-born sons and float them in bulrush baskets towards the Irish Sea. I will pluck the most gifted from the Mersey.

Foremost is our sustenance. We shall celebrate a weekly Feast of the Tabernacles."

Local grocer, Bill Smith, commented: "To be honest, tabernacles haven't been much in demand lately. But I'll see what I can do. Are they in season now?"...

After a strenuous training session at Anfield, the team pursued on a long-distance run around the city. Klopp astounded onlookers by dividing the waters of the Manchester Ship Canal to allow his squad to sprint across.

"Have faith and thou shalt be among the plenty, though some may end up on the bench", he explained. "Thou shalt prosper in my splendour shouldst thou concentrate on thine balls. For thy balls are my balls."
And with that the team fell silent.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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