Trump's Palm Coconuts Resort, FL - Since retiring from professional tennis in 2006, Andre Agassi has professed to the world that he didn't enjoy the game for many years while playing, and that his famous gold locks were indeed glued on - as he started balding at an early age. But even within the pages of his raw and sometimes painful biography, you'll never find a word about his deepest and most tightly held secret.
Our legendary tennis ace reporter, Hans Allover, sat down with the former World #1 to discuss, what he has said in his own words, is: 'A very tender subject.'
Hans Allover: "Hello, Andre. Firstly, say it isn't so! That these are all just vicious rumors."
Andre Agassi: "I'm afraid they're true, Hans. It was all an illusion. I need to just say it, and get it out there, and free my sole of this burden. I already feel better. There, I said it! That lump in my shorts - it wasn't mine, it was all a big, long, rubbery lie! Ahhhhhhh! It's like a giant weight has been lifted off of my groin."
Our man Hans, the world's #1 Men's Tennis Fan, then broke down in the hotel ballroom, where the interview was being conducted, and had to compose himself in the bathroom for almost a half an hour. He returned sopping wet from head to toe.
Hans: "So sorry about that, Andre - thanks for waiting."
Agassi: "It's ok, a lot of men have had the same reaction. I mean, I get it. But it was only for the Majors, if that helps."
Hans: "It does, a little... So, why, Andre? -Why did you do this? And when did you decide to stuff your shorts for the Majors? Was it all just to get Steffi, like the rest of the world thinks?"
Agassi: No, no! Well, not at first anyway. It was all that damn Reebok's idea. Them and Canon. Trying to get more airtime at the Majors."
Hans: And then came Steffi?
Agassi: "Exactly. Now your getting the picture."
Hans: "So the sponsors made you do it at first?"
Agassi: "Yeah, and let me tell ya, having a giant dildo shoved down your shorts makes it damn tricky to play tennis at a professional level. I mean, anything to the left was gonna be hard to manage, without the tip of this donkey dick poking outta the bottom of my shorts.
Hans: Oh, you don't have to tell me, Andre. (Hans had all the posters on his bedroom wall.)
Agassi: "Yeah, and remember, this was the early '90's, shorts were a lot tighter back then. Lemme just say, there were some pictures at the French Open, that even the French thought were a little too much for the general public."
At this point in the interview, Hans Allover was fanning himself with his notes and fiddling incessantly with the air-conditioning, asking if others were warm, or if it was just him, and sending his assistant for water every few minutes.
Agassi: "I was like, hey guys, can you at least get me a pink one?"
Hans: "They didn't even get you a pink one?"
Agassi: "No!! And like I said, it really affected my play. I know it cost me The Australian Open in '92 I think it was? I mean, I remember serving for the match at one point and still it was constantly on my mind, 'make sure it doesn't pop out, make sure it's tucked in good, make sure no one can see that it's black.' It was all I thought about. I mean, imagine trying to stuff two extra balls into those pockets with that tree trunk in there!"
Hans: "I have imagined it Andre. Many, many times... But, I know we are now running a little short on time, so let's skip ahead a smidgeon. So... then came Steffi?"
Andre: "Yes Hans... then came Steffi."
Hans: "Let's talk some more about that, if you don't mind-"
Andre: "No way Hans, you perv! Lemme ask you: Is that thing in your shorts real? This interview is so over!"
Editor's Note: Hans Allover was placed on voluntary leave and placed, by his employer, in a Sexual Rehab for Severe Tennis Fetishes in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. He hopes to be back to work on Monday.
