Written by TheSeriousReport

Thursday, 16 April 2015

image for Mark Stone can still jerk off
Mark Stone skates off the ice, worried he won't be able to jerk off

There was a scary moment in last night's game between the Ottawa Senators and the Montreal Canadiens. Following a PK Subban slash, Ottawa's Mark Stone collapse on the ice, writhing in pain. He promptly left the ice holding his right wrist.

"I'm ok," said Stone after the game. "I can still jerk off fine." Hearing that is relief for all of his fans, even though they did see the Ottawa rookie come back from the locker room a few times during the game. Stone had a reassuring explanation for that too. "I was able to wank efficiently after the slash so I knew I would be fine. But as the game went on, I wanted to reevaluate my injury and went in for another quick one."

Stone's teammates were relieved to hear he would be ok, but not surprised. "Stoner's a beast," commented fellow rookie Mike Hoffman. "Nothing will stop him from jerking off."

"I was pretty sure he could get through, but I offered to stroke him as he went to the locker room," added his centre Kyle Turris.

Senators head coach Dave Cameron was none too pleased with Subban's slash. "You can't have wreckless players on the ice like that. He could've ruined Mark's night. Imagine if he couldn't jerk off tonight", to which the media reacted with a heartfelt silence. Similarly, Ottawa's star defender Erik Karlsson said he struggled getting an erection in his post-game masturbation. "It was hard, let me tell you. You think of what could've happened and it just gets to you. I barely got a hard on because all I could think of was Stoner's injured wrist."

All considered, the Senators and Mark Stone dodged a bullet. But when asked if he would have masturbated with his left hand, had he been injured, Stone looked at the media with a grin for a few seconds. "Nah, Kyle would've been there for me."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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