Vet Plays God, Forces Unholy Union in Dog World
Veterinarian with a cruel sense of humor has mixed a Chihuahua with a Great Dane. If the mother's the Chihuahua, she'll die giving birth, but if she's the Great Dane, the pups will die from the fall.
Madonna to Donate Her Body to Science, But Only After She's Gone
Madonna plans to donate her body to science when she dies. The specific area of science she has selected is human sexual study. Masters and Johnson thanks her but has no idea what to do with the body.
Kids Learn How Not to Make Babies, Parents Glad They're Not Ready Yet
Fifty small kids were horrified and their parents amused when one of the puppets in show they were watching suddenly lost its head after it and another puppet demonstrated how the birds and bees work.
Montezuma Express Bullet Train to Begin Operations in Mexico
Mexico plans to launch its first bullet train traveling from Mexico City to San Antonio in 2 hours. It'll be non-stop except for short layover in Nueva Laredo to load illegals in baggage compartment.
Oprah to Open Supersized Amusement Park After Show's Over
After her final show, Oprah plans to open an amusement park especially made to accomodate plus-sized people. Oprah's World will allow overweight folks to ride all the rides they can't at other parks.
Valuable Tip For Frequenters of Public Showers (For Cleansing Purposes Only)
Tip: When showering with others, never let them turn their back on you when they're in the middle of a sneezing fit and suffering from diarrhea at the same time. Consequences could be messy for you.
Sheen Extending Tour, Wants to Create new Asian Cuisine Program for TV
Charlie Sheen says he'll extend his "I'm a Winner!" tour to include twelve more dates. He says he's hoping he'll make enough to produce a new show in Asia called "Two and a Half Cats" on Food Network.
Do you know what God said after he'd finished His Creation?
Holy SHIT! That is one fucked up world. Full of deadly plants and animals, and populated by another species which hasn't a fucking CLUE what it's meant to be doing. Oh dear. I think I've boobed...
Latest recommendation for starving African nations...
Make lots and lots of babies - and EAT THEM. (I do apologise. This is extremely BLACK HUMOUR. It is also in appalling BAD TASTE, but unfortunately it is at the same time undeniably hilarious).
Microsoft to merge with Heinz...
Software giant Microsoft is to merge with food giant Heinz. A new range of disposable computer software is promised which will make a nutritious meal after installation. Look out for "WinSoup 2011".
Do you know what is the most revolting scenario in the whole world?
Ex-PM John Major doing it with Edwina Currie, that's what. I mean, what on earth were either of them thinking of? He had the charisma of a wet blanket, and she was about as attractive as a horse.
Did Mary Poppins wear any underwear?
Legendary starched, virginal, and squeaky-clean actress Julie Andrews was apparently fond of going on camera sans knickers! Oh my God! I get all hot and bothered just thinking about it...
Madonna to found new religion...
A new religious sect "The Order of The Blessed Bitch" will have founder-member "Poptart" Madonna as its icon. Her statue will feature pointy boobs and a shaved Mons Pubis, and will moan in ecstacy.
How do you tell one Zebra from another?
I haven't a fucking clue mate. The same goes for Giraffes, Meerkats, Rattlesnakes, Cucumbers, Rain Drops, Giant Squid, Aliens, Beefburgers, Grass, Concrete Blocks, and Manchester United Supporters.
Immigration control at breaking point
250 Japanese surfers have just arrived off the coast of Dover.
written by armfeetandtoe, 04 April 2011
Lambs to the slaughter
When asked what eco friendly slaughter methods he uses. Farmer Ecoly Spume replied. "We uses r baseball bat on't lambs.......BASTARRRRRRDSSSSS!!!!!!
written by armfeetandtoe, 04 April 2011
Jeremy Clarkson goes from 0 to 100 in 7,5 seconds with a hot blonde!
Top Gear's Jeremy Clakson feels he has been "Tiger Wooded" because people have seen him shifting into "Top Gear" with several blonde beauties, he's also been caught "burning some rubber!"
written by Jaggedone, 04 April 2011
TheSpoof to fill the hole left by end of 'Sunday Sport'
'We'll lower the bar even further' says editor.
written by pinxit, 04 April 2011
WWW on the way out.
It is becoming clear that the famous www is on the way out. West Ham, Wigan and Wolves are beginning to look doomed.
Zac Goldsmith Mystified
Tory MP millionaire Zac Goldsmith cannot believe Ofcom's verdict that he was fairly treated by Channel 4 over his election expenses. 'I will have a word with Cameron. This quango must be axed' he said
Dr Petal Tells All
A Pathologist, Dr Francis Petal, has explained to a Coroner's court that his mission in life is to serve the Police in carrying out their duty of disciplining newspapers sellers.
Tring Man Arrested for Fake "Pat Down" Scam
'I felt a real twat at Luton airport', he confessed.
written by pinxit, 04 April 2011
Kosovo Decides To Act On The Chain Letter Issue
Kosovo has just issued a directive outlawing chain letters. The ban is due to the fact that the heavy chain letters were responsible for a 27 percent increase in injuries to mail carriers.
The President of Upper Shambutu Says He Has His Reasons
The president of the African country of Upper Shambutu has just issued a 'ban' on animal crackers.
Great News For Donut Droppers
Due to the extreme food shortage in Ethiopia, the Ethiopian government has issued a directive extending the 5 second food rule to 47 seconds.
Sri Lanka Does Not Do "Anachrophobia"
The tiny country of Sri Lanka has five times more websites dedicated to spider webs than China, Russia, and the United States combined.
"Thank You For Remaining In Your Seats"
Standing ovations at rock concerts in Curacao are illegal. Violators can receive up to nine years in prison.
Sony/BMG in new creative merger...
Sony/BMG is to merge with Sky and Sub-Aqua Products Ltd. This will enable scuba divers to listen to music underwater, retrieve emails, and watch cable TV. The new kit will retail at a cool £1 million.
McLaren to merge with Maclaren...
Sports car designer McLaren is to merge with baby buggy designer Maclaren. The McDeath-Trap buggies will do 0 to 60 in 3.4 seconds thereby enabling mums and their toddlers to get around a lot faster.
Hotpoint to merge with Fujitsu-Siemens...
Hotpoint is to merge with Fujitsu-Siemens. The resulting PC's will be the coolest-running on the market and will have a built-in mini-fridge for breaktime snacks and soft drinks in the workplace.
Head of RSPB commits suicide...
The head of the RSPB has committed suicide over the proposed extermination of vast quantities of songbirds. "He just couldn't bear it" said his tearful wife Hetty from their Buckinghamshire treehouse.
Jobs created in response to birdsong ban...
The new regulation banning birdsong in schools will create 25,000 jobs. As well as shooters, there will be netters, trappers, and binners. The proposed carnage has been roundly condemned by the RSPB.
Birdsong will be banned...
Birdsong in school grounds is to be banned from May as it is a "distraction from the National Curriculum." The Minister for Education fears that falling standards may reflect badly on HM Government.
Woods withdraws from US Masters...
Tiger Woods has made a last-minute withdrawal from the US Masters. His agent has released a statement to the world's press citing the golfer's ill-health due to a bad attack of "unibollockitis".
Health Service Reforms Explained
The Government, aware of disquiet at over its NHS reforms has sent out advice : DON'T GET ILL.
The History of A Very Popular German Word
The word Germany spelled backwards is Ynamreg, which is Laotian for "Hey Franz pass me the sauerkraut."
The Icelandic-Persian-Iranian Connection
In 1935, Persia became Iran. Prior to becoming Persia it was known as The Republic of Fupple, which is Icelandic and means, "Goodness! Guys this darn place is hot as effen hell ain't it?"
The Story Behind The Kinda Great Wall of Argentina
98 Percent of non-Argentinians do not know that the official language of Argentina is not Spanish but Mandarin Chinese.
Popcorn, Cracker Jack, and Pepperoni Pizza?
Pizza was invented in Naples, Italy in 1860, but pepperoni was not invented until 1927, at Yankee Stadium in the Bronx.
Brazil's Amazing Cycle
Brazil was once a part of Portugal, which was once a part of Ethiopia, which was once a part of Japan, which was once a part of Brazil.
Maple - Separating Canada's Pros and Cons
The maple leaf which has been Canada's national emblem since the 1700s, actually replaced the highly controversial and rather ridiculous maple syrup bottle
Left Wing Democrats Support Obama
President Obama announced he will seek a second term as president to an enthusiastic crowd of Michelle Obama, Senate Majority Leader Reid and House Minority Leader Pelosi!
Believe it or Not
Environmentalists pleased by the Obama administration giving the green light to BP resuming deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico. Now they can do something useful, try to stop Japanese whaling!
What Part of Nyet Don't You Understand?
President Obama invited the Russians to reinvade Afghanistan after violent protests over a purported burning of a Koran. The Russian Foreign Ministry issued the statement "nyet!"