C. Lance the Freelance

Screen Name: C. Lance the Freelance

C. Lance the Freelance has published 129 items on The Spoof.

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Latest Spoof News Story: Wednesday 13th April 2011

Spoofing since: Sunday 20th February 2011

Location: Conroe, Texas (Houston area)

Profile: I am an average American guy with a typically masculine sense of humor, which essentially means I think a great deal about sex, farting, and hilarious ways to die, among other things, and then I somehow try to turn them into stories. Whether it's a sickness or not, that's debatable, not to mention irrelevent.

I like my sense of humor very much and laugh at myself often, particularly when a thought crosses my mind that contains any of the following components: irony, embarrasing situations, double-entendres, play on words, noisy bowel functions, misuse of words, pratfalls, and spoofs, of course!

My inspirations in comedy are all masters of one or more of the components mentioned above. I have always been a big fan of Monty Python, Benny Hill, Leslie Nielsen, John Ritter, Steve Martin, Abbott and Costello, Saturday Night Live in general, and all the writers from whose ingenius mental wombs were born gems, or what I call "intelligent comedies", such as M*A*S*H, All In The Family, Frasier, Cheers, My Family, and now Modern Family. Impeccable dialogue and timing are key to quality comedy writing, and I admire anyone who can write this way on a consistent basis season after season.

I've been told by more than one person, but by no more than three, that I missed my calling and should've been a comedy writer. As much as this flatters me and inspires me to try my hand at following such a dream, I haven't really had an opportunity to give it a shot, even just for fun..until recently, when I stumbled across this fabulous website.

For the past month now, I have had a great deal of fun concocting fictitious stories about various things and people that would tickle the piss out of me had they been true tales printed in an actual publication. This site has given me the chance to express myself like never before, and it has also made me confident enough to share my writing with others.

That's a new feeling for me...pride in my writing...as for the longest time, despite a deep desire to write, I never felt like anything I wrote was worth a crap. I would get only so far with a piece, then feelings of self-doubt, overanalyzing my work, and just plain inadequecy would take over my thinking. Before long, I would find whatever I had written wadded up into little balls in the bottom of the waste basket. I got very good at wadding up paper.

I know that everyone who contributes to The Spoof does so out of a love of expressing oneself and putting smiles on others' faces, and that is true for me as well. Maybe I'm not good enough to land a publishing deal or write for a television show, but at least I know now that I can allow others to read my work without wondering if I'm wasting my time. That makes this all worthwhile.

I hope to continue to write funny stories, snappy snippets, and fake diary entries of famous people for a long time to come. And I hope that everyone who reads my work will continue to give me great ratings, because that's what I feel is the best guage for all of us to know if we are hitting the mark.

Sometimes in the heat of creativity, I might step over some imaginary, purely arbitrary line into the land of offensiveness or bad taste, where a disclaimer might appear before the story can be read. I promise it isn't meant to offend or harm anyone; however, it does mean I can be a dirty boy occasionally, and the editors are simply letting you know ahead of time so you won't get your feathers ruffled or modesty insulted.

Somehow, though, I don't think a great many of you will be disturbed by anything I write. You wouldn't be looking at this website or certainly contributuing to it if you yourselves didn't endulge in a little naughtiness every once in awhile. Therefore, I'm not worried that I have much of anything to say that would offend most folks here.

As those of you who have read anything I've submitted know, I can be long-winded. Brevity hasn't been one of my strong suits when it comes to this sort of thing...unlike my sex life, in which brevity is a fact, alas, an understatement, but that's a different can of worms I choose not to open at this time. For those who appreciate succinctness, you might not find what I have to say good enough to maintain your attention for the duration of the piece. For those who prefer novelesque writing to one or two paragraphs, I'm right up your alley.

As you've surely gathered, I don't write for a living, although I'd like nothing more than to do just that. In fact, I drive a delivery truck to bring home the bread. No, I don't mean I literally drive a bread truck. I deliver packages, mainly in rural areas where there might be several miles between stops, just enough free time to come up with a good idea for a story. My ideas come mostly out of things I see and people I talk to each day as I make my rounds.

I write them down as they come to me in short bursts of information, and at night I fill in the blanks to produce the final version that you see on the website. That's how I roll, for at least the time being until I can find a better way to earn a paycheck. Don't get me wrong. I love my job, but that's all it is 60 hours a week. This is what I'd rather be doing for that amount of time each week. Maybe when I retire I can more seriously pursue this dream. In the meantime, I'll just continue to do it just for fun. I hope you enjoy my work. Feel free to email me if you like what you read, or even if you don't. I swear it won't hurt my feelings.

Happy spoofing, everybody!!

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