Liverpool Only City to Escape Smog Alert
… Instead, residents were given a SMEG alert!
Argentina to Employ Women Only Bus Drivers
A town near Buenos Aires is to employ women bus drivers only. This is because the men would never stop to ask for directions.
Three People Win a Car Each on Ryanair Flight
When three people won a car each name Ryanair flight, the cabin crew blamed it on the pilots flying through a rainbow at the time - can they put it down to the luck of the Irish?
Irishman Wins Wheelbarrow!
Patrick O'Reilly from Dublin, one of the three lucky winners of a car on a Ryanair flight could not drive, so he jumped at the offer to swap it for a wheelbarrow. "tis cheap on tires!" He said.
written by pinxit, 26 April 2011
UK declared biggest "Loony Bin" on the planet, ask the Royals!
Record suicides, over-filled "Loony Bins" are the result of the blanket royal wedding coverage! The W.H.O. has declared Britain the largest "loony bin" on the planet, God shave the queen!
written by Jaggedone, 26 April 2011
Kate & Will Divorced
Fears are growing that Will & Kate are divorced from reality.
If the Wedding does not bring optimism to the streets of Britain, never fear, the Olympics will do so.
Wedding in the Shadows
The excitement engendered by the debate on Alternatives to Voting has obliterated the Wedding from the public mind. Prince William is to address the AV issue at his wedding to get back attention.
You were right all along!
Everything you have always suspected is true. Do not run.
Build a gazbo and take up playing the sousaphone. They will never expect that.
written by icybluepen, 26 April 2011
Av you been asleep?
An MP talking to a flock of sheep bleeted 'Av you been asleep. Do you really want to support the Limp Dims?' 'One Baa two Chops' is the big fear for the sheep.
Marrs Barrs have been banned from BBC canteens after they have been found to contain hidden messages that are too shocking for BBC employees to read.
Chips n Fries
Asian based UK fish and chip entrepreneur Ranjit Boparan has taken delivery of a consignment of "Fukushima" potatoes and fish. Glow in the dark fish and chips will be served as of Friday in London.
written by iscrivener, 26 April 2011
Marr's Blot Exposed
Andrew Marr has advised the world that he blotted his copybook when he was at school. This awful news has been kept from us until now. School chum Ian Hislop said Marr should have owned up before.
Gimmick to Get More Flights
Three lucky prizewinners won a £11,500 car each on the same RYANAIR flight. Are you feeling lucky?
Who Was Given the First Gagging Order?
It is reputed that Monica Lewinsky was given the very first gagging order during the Clinton administration. It was certainly "NO CIGAR".
Assange in New WikiLeak Scandal
Swedish Police are re-opening the sex case against Julian Assange after forensics revealed that traces of his semen had been found on a young girl's bedsheet.
That really is one hell of a WikiLeak!
written by Scoop Hudson, 26 April 2011
Was Rowling Invited?
Hills have opened a book on who got invited and who didn't to the royal do. Brown and Blair are scratched, but what of their close friend J.K.Rowling? They make her 6/1, by reason of association.
written by Auntie Matter, 26 April 2011
The South Pole Penguins Do Know How To Make Do
Scientists state that Global Warming is getting out of control and point to the fact that last week three South Pole penguins where photographed roasting marshmallows.
The NFL Powers That Be Are Certainly Some Pretty Smart Cookies
In a move to bolster sagging viewer numbers the NFL is considering having the networks move Sunday Night Football to Monday night and Monday Night Football to Sunday night.
The Air Traffic ControllerZZZZZ Are Getting Kind of Out-of-Hand
A Seattle air traffic controller has been fired for sleeping on the job. He said that nothing bad happened so it was really no big deal.
Levi Johnston Knows All About "Snowflake" Palin's Groin Region
Levi Johnston's new tell all book promises to reveal some very intimate details about the Palin family including the fact that Sarah Palin's carpet does not match her drapes.
Peter Kay In Introspective Mood..
That garlic bread thing wasn't really funny, was it? Garlic BREAD? Garlic BREAD? It's just bread with garlic in it. Sorry about that.
Peter Kay On Hot Cross Buns;
They're just like garlic bread. Only with fruit instead of garlic. Garlic BREAD?
Peter Kay On Toast
Burnt BREAD? Burnt BREAD? What's that all about? Does it have garlic in it?
Roberto Mancini Hospitalised
Undergoing major scarf surgery.
Jose Mourinho To Take Over From Sir Alex Ferguson
Not a joke.
Arsene Wenger goes on disability benefit
Long term blindness.
"I see dead people" says Derek Acorah
Nobody believes him.
Spoof Writer makes Shocking Paedo Admission
"I used to fancy 13 year old girls - when I was 11," says Skoob1999
NFL 76% Gay
No surprises there then.
Silvio Berlusconi Certainly Knows How To Make Friends!
Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi proudly announced that Italy will begin taking part in bombing raids over Libya. He added that he will also be providing free pizzas and wine for all U.N. Troops.
Netflix and Red Box Are Kicking Blockbuster Video's Butt
Netflix and Red Box business is booming. Meanwhile Blockbuster video is now offering a Butterball Turkey with each video rental.
Kimberly-Clark Announces A Big Change
The Kimberly-Clark Corporation, makers of Huggies and Kleenex, have announced that in a move to be more alphabetically correct they will soon be changing their name to Clark-Kimberly.
The Good News and The Bad News About Those Pesky Airplane Ceiling Holes
Airline investigators have finally determined what caused those holes in the airplane ceilings. And the answer is not good...steel-eating termites.
Closet Gay Is Agoraphobic
Says: "I ain't coming out for nobody."
Watch Your Step
San Francisco CA City Council passes a law, that people who poop on the street can be arrested and/or fined. Previously only pets (animal companions) were subject to this regulation!
Sewer workers union members vote to adopt a turd as their organization logo!
Democratic liberal left state and federal politicians won't admit they overspent, causing severe deficits. They now want the taxpayers, especially rich taxpayers to pay for their financial screw-ups!
A USDOT study reveals that traffic accidents increase by 1% when drivers take a laxative before leaving for work and have to find a gas station. The other 99% of drivers have a smelly automobile!
More about Being Green
A Senate committee heard testimony from a rabid environmental group that is lobbying for recycling of male and female condoms!
A Tale of Robbing Hood
Robbing Hood (Obama) extorts tax money from productive individuals (rich) to squander on useless Democratic left wing social programs/wealth redistribution, as opposed to reducing the national debt!
Telephone shown to be an Aphrodisiac
TV ads portray women as having an orgasm over the money they save on their telephone bills, leading scientists to the conclusion telephones are aphrodisiacs!
EPA Kills Alaska Project (27 Billon Barrels)
An unelected incompetent Obama Democratic left wing appeals board rules Shell didn't consider emissions from an ice-breaking vessel when calculating overall greenhouse gas emissions for the project!
A Tax and Spend Paradise
President Obama signals he will not run in 2012. He plans to go to South America to work with the dictatorial left wing regimes & further ruin their economies, the same way he ruined the US economy.
A Democratic left wing think tank report petitions the TSA, using their airport scanners, to check that all Americans have the same amount of invisible body hair!
House Minority Leader Pelosi (D-CA) resigned today. She indicated that every tax dollar of her salary would go to education and infrastructure, in order to help balance the 2012 federal budget.
Fiscal Lack of Responsibility
Rep. Pelosi (D-CA) chastised House Speaker Boehner (R-OH) for spending taxpayer money on the DOMA. Pelosi spent multi-millions of taxpayer dollars on military airplane trips and green plastic forks!
76% Of United Fans Don't Live In Manchester
It's a Moss Side thing - you started it.
Spain gears up for economic revival
Peter Kay On Pumpernickel...
Is it BREAD? Does it have garlic in it?
Peter Kay In Bread Race Row
Black BREAD? Black BREAD? What's that all about?
Peter Kay In Grandmother Tribute
Naan Bread? Naan BREAD? What's that all about?
Peter Kay Pens New Gag
Pitta bread? PITTA bread? What's that all about?
Says he needs more time on the web
Hampton Court Maze Inquiry...
Takes a dramatic new turn
On Line Study Proves...
Most people talk shit.