Windscale Not In Danger
British Nuclear Fuels have announced that there is no danger of a tsunami caused by the Blackpool earthquake this week and that their reactors are cool!
written by IN SEINE, 02 April 2011
Following the recent earthquake in Blackpool which reached 2.2 on the Richter scale, seismologists have warned of a tsunami capable of producing 2 inch (5 cm) waves. Evacuation procedures could be possible.
written by IN SEINE, 02 April 2011
SP From Lingfield
One Born Every Minute - 8/11
The Bookie Always Wins - 9/4
Good Money After Bad - 13/5
A Fool And His Money - 14/3
Mug's Game - 11/1
written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2011
The Amazing 'Cock Sure' Soho Beggar
A beggar in Soho knocked on a door and asked for a crumpet. The lady asked if he preferred strawberry or blueberry. He replied blueberry, proving that in fact beggars CAN be choosers.
Jack Be Nimble, Jack Be Not Too Quick
A man went to the emergency room with candle wax all over his hands. When asked how he got it he replied from burning the candle at both ends.
Lady Gaga's 'Battle of The Bulge' Hits The Front Pages
Wikileaks reportedly has documentation which purports that the bulge in Lady Gaga's groin area is more than likely DNA related.
Tiger Woods' Golf Game Isn't The Only Thing That Is Slipping
Tiger Woods just announced that he hasn't boinked a white, blonde, woman in...72 hours!
A Man In Cleveland Arrested With A Glock 9 In His Mouth
Police said he was 'armed to the teeth.'
Piper Palin - Wants To Be Like Mother - Like Daughter
Nine-year-old Piper Palin says she wants to follow in her mother's footsteps and hopefully shoot some four-legged creature, like maybe a chicken, a duck, or even a stray cat, before she turns ten.
Ivory Coast: Situation 'Un'clear In The Battle For Power
Supporters of UN-recognised president clash with supporters of unrecognised president.
written by Hawking's Chair, 02 April 2011
Libya: Ministers In Gaddafi's Cabinet Appear in A New TV Show
written by Hawking's Chair, 02 April 2011
MP's on Strike
Several MP's distressed at the level of their expenses are advocating strike action. This will take the form of a sleep-in in the House of Commons.
Cuts in Disguise
The Government, worried at the level of anger at the Cuts has decided to introduce a new policy of making snips rather than cuts. A snip will be a cut of less that £2,000,000.
A Barber from Lowestoft has been offering free snips to people over 110. Those taking up the offer must be dead.
In a last ditch effort to cool tower 3 at Fukushimi, Japans leaders are calling in thousands of extras from the Bukake Film Festival. The next best plan was to wait until Oktoberfest...
written by Waskily Wabbit, 02 April 2011
Airlines Rethink Retractable Roofs on Planes
after first prototype is forced to make an emergency landing in Yuma, AZ.
written by Adam Click, 02 April 2011
Police In Las Vegas Arrest A Man Who Smelled Like Playing Cards
The LVPD desk sergeant stated that the man was arrested in the possession of a stolen bag of tricks.
President Nicolas Sarkozy Certainly Knows How To Flatter A Woman...Yes?
French President Nicolas Sarkozy says that after Colonel Gadhafi is driven from Tripoli, he wants to take over Libya and rename it French Libido in honor of his wife Carla Bruni-Sarkozy.
John "The Weeper of The House" Boehner Says He Is Making Great Strides
Weeper of The House, John Boehner says that he has his crying under control. He remarked to Oprah Winfrey that he has not cried since March 30, when Brett Favre called him a big GOP crybaby.
Banana Farming Can Be A Very Stressful Job
A Costa Rican banana farmer unexpectedly chopped down ten banana trees. When asked why he did it, he simply replied that he figures that he just went bananas.
The Priest Was Wearing A Boston Red Sox Baseball Cap
A priest in Boston was held on charges of possessing 30 stolen Louisville Slugger Baseball Bats. Boston detectives said it was most definitely a case of stolen bats in the belfry.
The Dublin Farmer Was One Very Determined Man!
A very inventive and determined farmer in Dublin, Ireland, has after years and years of trying finally succeeded in making a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
Baby-Making Matchups Too Bizarre to Imagine, Or Maybe Not
Unlikely lovechild unions: Jennifer Aniston and Gilbert Gottfreid, Megan Fox and Gary Busey, Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton (crap, the last two really happened!)
Cheap Teen Tries to Pass off Game Tokens in Condom Machine Purchase
Teen failed in an attempt to use Chuckee Cheese game tokens to buy condoms out of a coin-operated dispenser in a restroom, claiming he couldn't afford to buy them with real coins. Here's to safe sex!
Log Truck Causes Frightful Scene on Highway for Motorists
A log truck traveling too fast for weather conditions overturned on a busy highway, leading to several minor accidents. The resulting pileup caused fourteen other motorists to drop logs of their own.
Iowa Youth Wins Spelling Bee Doing it By Himself and Nobody Else
A youth from Iowa won a school spelling bee in a tiebreaker. Lonnie Bates won by spelling the word "autonomous", or independent. Master Bates prefers doing things alone, so he knew the word very well.
Windmills to the Rescue
Environmental group lobby's for windmill use to bring down the high price of gasoline. Their plans are thwarted when they find out a windmill weighs 200 tons and costs $5 million.
Need More Green
The food police want the FDA to ban or further regulate food dyes, where there is no proven relationship to hyperactivity in children. Create a problem then ask for government funding to study it!
Afghanistan Protest Turns Violent
President Obama condemned Islamist demonstrators attack on innocent UN workers. Obama offered condolences to the injured, killed, to their families & then invited the Russians to reinvade the country!
Wolves retain federal protection in Washington State, Oregon, Wyoming & Utah, but lose this protection in Idaho & Montana. Both groups of animals plan to eat all the environmentalists they can find!
Get Out of Our Pants
Social conservative Republican politicians are again climbing into Americans bedroom windows, while liberal left Democratic politicians still have their hands in Americans wallets!
Don't need a PHD
Ordinary Americans have figured out in the last 15 years that buying moderate sized automobiles with good fuel economy saves money and fuel.
A Sensible Regulation
EPA to regulate rabid environmentalists because they generate 10,000 tons of bullshit and 20,000 tons of hot air everyday!
New Revenue Source
State legislative committees are recommending that activist groups be charged a fee when their causes are frivolous and waste valuable time at hearings which could be devoted to real issues!
The Ides of April
A bright genius in the Democratic Obama administration wants to eliminate April 1 from the calendar to avoid jokes/pranks. Republicans counter by offering to eliminate April 15 from the calendar!
SML Reid Reverses Earlier Statements
Any budget compromise won't include GOP riders blocking the EPA from enforcing new rules on greenhouse gases etc. Environmentalists have threatened to overrun Las Vegas NV with Wolves & Polar Bears!
Got to Keep Spending
Automobile accidents/fatalities on US roads are down 3% from 2009. Expect the USDOT to introduce new unnecessary safety regulations and spend more tax money!
Any Excuse will Do
EPA blames people opening sink facets with their butts for the increased bacteria and germs found in public restrooms. President Obama calls for taxing the butts off the filthy rich!
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Americans are buying cars with better fuel economy. States then raise taxes on gasoline because of increasing fuel economy, claiming money needed for road repairs, while raiding highway trust funds!