Woman Not Impressed With Free Looksie, Turns Man Into Authorities
Old lady accused young man of indecent exposure when he revealed his genitals while crossing his legs. She caught a glimpse of his manhood and complained; he said it was accidental and she's a prude.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
Man Gets Ten Years in Prison for Tearing Off Mattress Tag
A man was sentenced to ten years in prison for tearing off the tag on his new mattress. He was busted by a female cop posing as a barfly in sting operation using sex to lure offenders to break law.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
Man With Memory Problems Drives in Circles Around Neighborhood
A man with a severe case of short-term memory was pulled over in a cul de sac because he continued to drive in a circle, constantly forgetting where he was going and forgetting where he had been.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
Woman Arrested for Practicing Oldest Profession on Leisurely Bike Ride
A lady on a ride with her cat is pulled off her bicycle and arrested for prostitution. When she denies the charge, the police explain to her that she was caught "pedaling pussy on a public street."
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
Man Loses Hairpiece on Thrillride, Safely Returned Later
A man flips his lid, literally, on a roller coaster ride. On downhill run, the man's toupee flies off and lands in the lap of a woman two rows behind. She returns it to the embarrassed man afterwards.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
Blackpool Earthquake Tsunami
The Blackpool earthquake measuring 2.2 on the richter scale has caused the International Scaremongering Society to issue a 2.5 inch Tsunami wave warning in the baby pool in Rhyl Sun Centre.
written by The Big C O Jones, 01 April 2011
Coleridge Reviews Olly Murs
"Swans sing before they die - 'twere no bad thing
Did certain persons die before they sing."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Coleridge Sends Another Postcard From Benidorm
"Yea, slimy things did crawl with legs
Upon the slimy sea."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Coleridge Sends A Postcard From Benidorm
"Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
If Nelson Had Been Disappointed With His Fish Supper...
"I see no chips."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Dante Visits Milton Keynes
"All hope abandon, ye who enter here."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Sir Walter Scott Reviews Rod Stewart In Concert
"The way was long, the wind was cold,
The Minstrel was infirm and old;
His withered cheek and tresses grey
Seemed to have known a better day."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
John Noakes "Really A Reptile" Claims Female Bishop
An attempt by Professor Jens Convolvolus of the University of Jutland to teach rats to knit has had to be abandoned. "I began to despair of their manual dexterities, with the long claws", said Professor Convolvulus yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Matt Cardle Studying The Hardy-Littlewood Conjectures
Theatrical Virgos will dream about an imaginary fictional figment of an imagined fictional character's imagination. Jealous Sagittarians should avoid an explosion during anal sex.
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Nickel Up AT Tokyo
Scroppleford WI's eye-gouging evening raised £329 towards the Buy The Vicar A Philppino Wife campaign, while Numperly Cross held a Heretic Burning to raise money for the Build A Lesbian Brothel Fund.
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Isaiah Opens A Petting Zoo
"The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
St Matthew Looks At The First Past The Post Voting System
"But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Windsor Bastle
The Queen is suing a sculptor after a botch-job at Windsor Castle. Jez Fnarr was asked to create an intimate bas-relief of Henry VIII, but instead made a statue of the king being pleasured by a fish.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 01 April 2011
St John Looks At 70s Rock Music
"Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth?"
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
St Luke Reviews The England Cricket Team's World Cup Squad
"The poor, and the maimed, and the halt, and the blind."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
St John Visits Slough
"A place called in the Hebrew tongue Armageddon."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
St John Meets Sir Patrick Moore
"His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as sno; and his eyes were as a flame of fire."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
St Paul Looks Forward To Having The Widows Cleaned
"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Edgar Allen Poe Does His Tax Returns
"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Song For Europe With Ophelia
"They bore him barefaced on the bier;
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny;
And in his grave rained many a tear."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Flower Arranging With Ophelia
"There's rosemary, that's for remembrance;
pray, love, remember;
and there is pansies, that's for thoughts."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
More From Richard II's Good Pub Guide
"Old John of Gaunt, time-honoured Lancaster."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Macbeth Finds The Dog In His Armchair Again
"Out, damned spot!"
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Macbeth Tries To Write A Limerick
"The Thane of Fife had a wife: where is she now?
What? Will these hands ne'er be clean?"
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Othello Sends A Postcard From The Isle Of Man
"The Cannibals that each other eat,
The Anthropophagi, and men whose heads
Do grow beneath their shoulders."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Othello Sends A Postcard From Wales
"Antres vast and desarts idle,
Rough quarries, rocks, and hills whose heads touch heaven."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
King Lear DoesThe Weather Forecast
"Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes spout!
Till you have drenched our steeples, drowned the cocks!"
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Edgar From King Lear Speaks Up For Simon Cowell
"The prince of darkness is a gentleman."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
King Lear Visits Heston Blumenthal's Restaurant
"Out vile jelly!
Where is thy lustre now?"
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Macbeth On The TV Schedules
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Macbeth Looks Up The Train Timetables
"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Macbeth On George Osborne
"The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon!
Where gott'st thou that goose look?"
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Macbeth Dines At Heston Blumenthal's Restaurant
"Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
Macbeth Has A New Chair Delivered
"Something wicker this way comes."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
If Rene Descartes Had Been A Printer...
"I ink, therefore I am."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
If Rene Descartes Had Been A Skater...
"Ice rink, therefore I am."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
If Rene Descartes Had Been A Deerstalker...
"I slink, therefore I am."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
If Rene Descartes Had Been A Dressmaker...
"I pink, therefore I am."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
If Rene Descartes Had Been On The Titanic...
"I sink, therefore I am."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
If Rene Descartes Had Been A Web Developer...
"I hyperlink, therefore I am."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
If Rene Descartes Had Been An Alcoholic...
"I drink, therefore I am."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
If Marie Antionette Had Been A Fishmonger...
"Let them eat hake."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
If Marie Antoinette Had Been From Kendal
"Let them eat mint cake."
written by Erskin Quint, 01 April 2011
British Singer Pixie Lott Will Soon Be Singing In The USA
British Singer Pixie Lott has announced that she has signed to do a 37-city music concert tour of the American South. She giggled as she announced the tours name...Pixie Does Dixie.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
The Darn Good Reason Why 'The Real Housewives of San Francisco' Was Axed
The reality show, The Real Housewives of San Francisco has been cancelled after only two weeks when DNA tests showed that two of the five wives were not really females.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
Madonna Says "No!" To Botox
The former singer known as Madonna stated that her big Tuna Lips are not the result of collagen injections but instead admits that they were caused by eating tainted tuna.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
Glenn "Crybaby" Beck Is Getting Very Desperate
Glenn Beck has informed his bosses at the FOX Network that he'll promise to stop acting like a crazed, spoiled, self-centered, egomaniacal, Nazi if they'll allow him to keep his talk show.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
There's One Rapper Who Won't Be At The Royal Wedding
Buckingham Palace has stated that the rumors that rap singer Chris Brown had been invited to the Royal Wedding are positively false. The Queen stated that she'd sooner invite Colonel Gadhafi himself.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
The Italian Spirits Are Down
Due to the slumping wine consumption figures, Italy is seriously thinking about banning beer, whiskey, and vodka.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
Two Very Important Things That Donald Trump Will Soon Be Releasing
An unnamed source for Donald Trump says that since he is running for president he'll not only release his birth certificate but his certificate for whatever the hell that thing on top of his head is.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
The Bronx Zoo: The Good News And The Damn Bad News
The Bronx Zoo is happy to announce that they have found the lost cobra. Now they want to address that little matter of the missing 17 rattlesnakes.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
So What Exactly Is In That Weight Loss Product Anyway?
The makers of Slim Fast have staunchly denied that their product contains anorexic ingredients.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
Best Man Harry fesses up to Wills his wedding night song fantasy
Steeler's Wheel, "Stuck in the Middleton With You"
written by pinxit, 01 April 2011
Legendary Irish jockey forgets to dismount...
Irish jump jockey Paddy O'Feckit, who famously finished the Gold Cup over an hour late, failed to dismount. He was last seen at the Hare & Hounds in Tetbury where he stopped for a pint of Guinness.
written by attilathehungry, 01 April 2011
April Fools Day
Polls are showing overwhelming support for Spoofs declaration that from now on every day is April 1st.
written by j.w., 01 April 2011
Nigella Lawson Certainly Knows How To Cook Up A Storm
Nigella Lawson, noted British food writer, just announced that her most recent cookbook entitled, Cooking Everything With Bananas has just become the number one best seller in Costa Rica.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
The Old "Like A Moth To A Flame" Cliché Is Alive And Flickering
Heretic moth claims he is finally free after leaving the infamous "Light Bulb Cult."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
Nigeria Proves It Is A Trend Setter When It Comes To Higher Learning
The government of Nigeria has just announced that it will soon be offering two brand new college degrees over the Internet; A B.A. in Fantasy Baseball and a B.A, in Comic Book Appreciation.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
Now That Is One Damn Seafaring Bottle!
A bottle with a note in it that was tossed into the Mediterranean Sea during World War II has somehow ended up in Lake Michigan.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
The Day That Charlie Sheen Saved The Earth!
FOX News is reporting that the day Charlie Sheen waved the machete in the air, a highly armed alien space ship saw him and decided not to attack the Earth.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
The GOP Denies It Is Using Political Tactics From The Gestapo Rules & Regulations Manual
Republicans point out the PBS children's show, Where's Baldo, as another reason to cut PBS funding.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2011
Rush to Play Dual Roles in Sequel to Two Different Films at Once
Geoffrey Rush will reprise two roles in sequel to "Pirates" and "King's Speech" in same film. He plays Lionel Logue who's transported to the 1700s to teach his own Captain Barbossa proper English.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
Woman Sues Fox For Not Being Hot Enough to Hire
A woman sues the Fox News Channel for denying her employment because she didn't qualify for the job, claiming they thought she wasn't attractive enough. There's a reason why they call it "Fox" News!
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
Blind Man Gravely Disappointed At Local Fish Market
A blind man mistakenly entered a fish market with cash in hand and a bulge in his trousers, asking for the best one they had. Expecting a hooker with a snap, the man only got a snapper with a hook.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
Brosnan-Boyle Affair Confirmed...Lance, Lance Boyle On Way
Susan Boyle is reportedly pregnant with Pierce Brosnan's lovechild. Pierce admits he and Susan had a torrid affair to result in a bouncing baby boy. Lance A. Boyle will make his debut in late summer.
written by C. Lance the Freelance, 01 April 2011
