ACORN purchases ACLU and Greenpeace
Declares Jihad against Fellowship of Christian Athletes, International Council of Christians and Jews, and Japanese Whalers.
written by unknown
Eyes Don't Even Match
Stinking, rotten monster with bolts holding it's head on it's shoulders heartily recommends cereal with berries for your breakfast.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Bush: Mission Accomplished!
Former President Bush declared "Mission Accomplished!" after being taken to emergency after erection lasted for more than four hours.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Obama Gets Bounce
President Obama's popularity got a small bounce after his interview on television the other night. It came from his mother-in-law's right foot.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Iraqi Detainees Laugh At Guards
Possibly abused Iraqi prisoners say that the conditions and treatment were nothing compared to Hussein. "You bunch are like little girls", stated one.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Dick Cheney Accused
Former V.P. Dick Cheney says that trying to prove he was involved in any detainee mistreatment is a waste of time. "Even if I got the death penalty, I've already served it by dying three times."
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Sarah Palin Endorses Waterboarding, Changes Mind
"Waterboarding is a great sport. Nothing wrong with riding the waves. We do it in Hawaii & California all the time." When told it was torture she said, "Never mind, I have a salmon to catch, ya know."
written by tlmedia, 16 July 2009
40 Years Ago Today
Michael Jackson performs his first moonwalk aged just 10 years old, but some believe it was faked using camera tricks and a mass global hallucination. It was 1969 and everyone was getting high. Crazy!
written by Ron Smith, 16 July 2009
Vancouver Man Tasered By R.C.M.P.
for removing the 'Do Not Remove' tag from his mattress.
written by Wire Piddle, 16 July 2009
Smoking allowed on the front line
To stimulate the US economy, soldiers in war zones will be allowed to smoke. The government reasoning behind this is that many of the soldiers will not be paying tax on cigarettes if they get killed.
written by IN SEINE, 16 July 2009
Arrest Wasn't Fair
An Ohio man charged driving under the influence that was slapped on him after he crashed the vehicle he was piloting, a bar stool, claims policeman unfair on souped-up donut stool.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
On The Local Front
Self-guided tour of small town in Tennessee reveals that 90% think today's "sure going to be a hot one."
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Old Lady Posing Nude Again
Old Lady Flannigan lying out in her backyard naked again, posing for google earth. FBI, CIA say they can do nothing about it since it's a fenced off "private" property.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Killings in the UK Are at a 20 Year Low!
The figures out today showed that killings are at a 20 year low. Meanwhile, swine flu has already killed 29 people and by the end of the year more killers will themselves be killed by the virus.
written by IN SEINE, 16 July 2009
Sarah Palin Wrong
Family optometrist says Sarah Palin can not see Russia from her house. "She was born on an Alaskan island and all this Russia stuff in just an optical Aleutian."
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Keeps On Trying
Weather lady on Channel 5 in Bowling Green still committing same "Cold mare's ass from Canada", "Helena got six inches last night" bloopers in hopes that local news will get on national TV broadcast.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
New Family-Style Restaurant
Family-Style restaurant in Chicago features waiters in striped suits, hats, blank list of who you want roughed up, knocked off.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Magazine Writer Dies
Man who wrote all those Penthouse letters over the past 25 years dies of severe hand cramp.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Baseball = MC2
Super close-up of baseball replay shows that ball, glove, fence, player, crowd all made up of energy.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
New Orlean's Plans 2010 Mardi Gras
Mardi Gras officials for 2010 say they may open one flood gate next spring so that enough water enters New Orleans to have some real floats during the parade.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Bombers Wasted Oil
Consumer Watch Group accuses suicide bombers of wasting hundreds of thousand of precious oil last year. Also whole bunch of people, but that's for some other group to count.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Superhero Faux Pas
Superhero forgets himself and stares darts at the late rival for his girlfriend's affections.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Another Fat Indicator
Further indications of Americans, other westerners getting fatter as the average cruise ship now two foot deeper in the water with same number of passengers.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Obama Protecting, Robbing Americans
Meteorologists predict colder than normal winter. In order to protect the public, President Obama creates the position of "Snow Czar".
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Woman Accuses Former Husband of Being a Jaffa
A childless divorcee from Florida accused her former husband in court of being a useless lover and a jaffa. He retorted, she had no juices to pip his tango and lacked a kumtwat!
written by Lord Bonzo, 16 July 2009
Voodoo Thursday, Palm Reader's Monday
Police officers who practice witchcraft to get Pagan Police Association and their own religious holidays, accused of using witchcraft to get them granted.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Credit Crime Wave
Credit crunch crime wave: Theft, burglaries and fraud rise on the back of record unemployment as levels reach that of nation's politicians.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Banks Raising Interest
Some US banks, although not increasing savings rates, are raising interest by placing erotic statues alongside their rate boards.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
New Dictionary Needed
Teens enjoy going around correcting their English teacher's incorrectly "spelled" text messages.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Out Of The Closet
After several drinks, Closet Cannibal finally comes out and begins biting people on the ass at friends party.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Stevie Wonder Releases Message Regarding Michael Jackson's 'Murder'
... .. . .... . ... ... .... .. ... ... ... . ..... . .... .. .. . . ... . . . ... . . . . . ... . . ... .
written by Wire Piddle, 16 July 2009
ACLU Defends Terrorists
ACLU Watchdogs criticize police officials, fire department for thwarting terrorist attack to burn down their ACLU headquarters building. "Only natural, if you're a terrorist".
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Just Like Dad
Tennessee child wants to be just like his dad when he grows up, a complete asshole throwing used baby diapers out on the car window on the Interstate.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
To Help Control Disease
New vanity license plates my be required of Swine Flu victims to warn others in California: "IMASWINE"
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Armstrong, Aldrin First
Forty years ago, astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first people to walk on the Moon, over twenty years before Michael Jackson.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
More Job Loses
Lloyds Banking Group in London to cut another 1,200 jobs. Floyds Barber Shop in Mayberry already laid off Goober. Shazam!
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Would Discourage Tunnelers
Bank boards come under scrutiny as most customers demand that their money be in the vault, not under the floor.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Crime Figures Down
The number of murders, manslaughters and child killings has dropped by 17% to a 20-year low, the annual crime figures for England and Wales show. Most say it's the increased presence of Batman.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Fiji Jails Freemasons
A group of freemasons have had to spend a night in jail in Fiji, after local villagers complained they were practicing witchcraft, secret handshakes, riding goats.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Could Become Extinct
Professional snipers have been brought in to guard a vulnerable colony of penguins in Australia and the last few remaining honest politicians in the US, Britain.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Scientists Decode Parasites
Scientists have decoded the genetic blueprint of two parasitic flatworms. Closest relatives: Lawyers, politicians.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Varity On Board
Shuttle Crew includes Twittering skipper, singer, ER doctor, one time bullfighter, flasher, ventriloquist, dummy.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Head Of Iran Nuclear Agency Resigns
The head of Iran's nuclear agency has resigned, an Iranian news agency reported Thursday, a move that may have been connected to the fact that he had began glowing at night.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
American Idol spin off announced
A new reality TV show that follows the fortunes of those who want celebtrity status but aren;t prepared to work for it - it will be called American Idle
written by Everyman, 16 July 2009
Jackson - Kungfudunnit!
Even though he had been dead for three weeks, David Carradine murdered Michael Jackson after a closet sex game went wrong and because Jackson said that Kung Fu was 'gay', according to Farrah Fawcett.
written by Ron Smith, 16 July 2009
Golfer Boo Weekley joins Ghostbusters
Golfer Boo Weekley has joined a Ghostbusters team in Florida. Every week Boo joins the Florida Fright Team to investigate haunted houses. Boo's golf has improved and he has less bogeys. BOOOOOOOOOO
written by SPECTRUM, 16 July 2009
5,000 lb. shark washes up on Long Island shore
Environmentalists blame pollution for shark's death.
Rush Limbaugh's response: "Nonsense, folks. This shark was clearly the one polluting the beach."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 July 2009
Sometimes problems fix themselves
Big-rig tanker goes thru "wicked curve" near Detroit, MI, collides with 2nd rig; subsequent explosion knocks down old overpass that necessitated "wicked curve" in the first place!
written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 July 2009
Desperate times...
Man runs from police, engages in stand-off, ends up shot to death because he can't possibly afford traffic citation on top of rent, groceries, clothes, car, insurance, house, electricity, gas, ...
written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 July 2009
I think you've got the wrong guy
Georgia man paid child support for 13 years, then fell behind. Jailed for a year, then freed when DNA test proves child wasn't even his. Promptly issued parking citation upon leaving building.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 July 2009
Epcott Center Gaza plans put on hold
Project grinds to halt when Small World secret service agents discover Hamas disguised as Mickie Mouse training children in suicide bombing techniques.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 July 2009
"What are those straps over his shoulders?"
Sir Paul McCartney stops traffic at 53rd and Broadway as thousands crowd around to see, "I don't know, some old guy wearing... what are they called again? Oh, yeah. Suspenders!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 July 2009
Real news reporters funnier than spoofers
Fan of movie Fight Club builds pipe bomb, blows up Starbucks, brags to friends, gets arrested. CNN reporter observes, "He forgot first rule of fight club is do not talk about fight club."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 July 2009
Can't blame us for trying!
1st Bank of Visa sends out statements to thousands of customers with $23 quadrillion in charges, hoping maybe one of those not paying very close attention.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 July 2009
Peter Crouch engaged
Infeasibly tall footballer, Peter Crouch, has got engaged to his model girlfriend Abigail Clancy. According to reports he got down on one knee, but she still couldn't hear him.
written by IainB, 16 July 2009
Video Shocker: Michael Jackson On Fire In Pepsi Ad
That's nothing. You forget what Coke did to John Belushi.
written by Wire Piddle, 16 July 2009
"It's Getting Disgusting!"
"It's horrible, horrible, but what can you do? The whole country, most of the western world has gotten fat", proclaims 450-pound man at cafe table on the street in Manhattan.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Just Be Patient
Through perseverance, old-fashioned hard work and a little bit of luck, Cleveland man learns to garrote people for the mob.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
Son Follows Dad
Son who proudly carried on family's tradition of smoking dies at 39, the same age his father died before him. Both ran over by trains.
written by Bureau, 16 July 2009
