CIA to Destroy Moon
Las Cruces, NM - In an attempt to destroy any evidence that may prove the conspiracy theorists right--that the first moon walk was a hoax--the CIA has secretly devised a plan to blow up the moon.
written by Charpa93, 23 July 2009
No British Government Conspiracy Theory Holds Water
Well, can you think of a politician with the skill, balls and imagination to come up with a good one? John Prescott? Gordon Brown? Lord Mangels............ well, maybe.
written by Blazing Saddle, 23 July 2009
Larry King's Wife Seeks Divorce
Larry King's wife has secretly drawn up divorce papers while Larry King has simply drawn up.
My Computer Weighed 175 Pounds...Until
I took it to my PC tech and he was really puzzled until he realized I has more than 23 million undeleted email messages.
Hey, mail can be heavy, so this is a word to the wise!
written by tlmedia, 23 July 2009
Got The Experience
Monica Lewinsky selected by the republican party to head up their new poles.
Polls Manufacture Numbers
Ne poll reveals that fake studies and poll numbers are popping up everywhere and for the public not to believe them, including this one!
Gore apologizes for telling Palin, "If the sea keeps rising, you'll be able to see South Afica!"
"Weiner Be Gone"
Sex offenders to get names wiped off register if they no longer pose threat, say Wasted Weiners, The Full Monty Moyles!
Just In Case
Pupils in Facebook protest after school forces them to wear clip-on ties in case they strangle themselves. Also, the school plans to fill the hallways between classes with plastic shipping peanuts.
Woman Arrested In "Glass Attack"
A woman arrested over a 'glass attack' at Prince Harry's favourite nightclub last night, and marched past Prince Harry's favorite fireplug.
Burglar's Bold Escape
Burglars escape jail by acting as 'security consultants' to police. "I felt like something wasn't quite right from the apparel they were wearing", states one officer.
Down With Swine Flu
What's It Like To Go Down With Swine Flu? "Well, it's certainly not as much fun as when you are well", says newly wed British couple.
Called: "Those Dirty Children"
British schoolchildren with swine flu were treated like 'dangerous criminals' before being kicked out of France. But several say they managed to leave enough fluids to welcome them to the club.
"Go Ahead, Punk!"
Police firearms instructor shot civilian with Magnum during role-play at safety lecture, certainly not making HIS day.
The West Are Barbarians
Cheating wife could face 'honour killing' after acid is poured down her lover's throat but promise, none of that horrible water boarding.
US Crime Probe
US rabbits arrested in crime probe for money laundering plus --I'm sorry, US Rabbis arrested in crime probe.
King Headed Back To Ghana
Dutch officials have handed back to Ghana the head of a king who was executed by colonists in the 1830s. He is not expected to be restored upon the thrown.
Rail To Be Electrified
Network Rail has promised "minimum disruption" after unveiling plans to electrify the main rail routes in Britain, between London and Swansea. Warn horses, cows to stay clear once juice is turned on.
Defence Secretary "Busting A Gut!"
Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth says he is "busting a gut" to get more helicopters out to Afghanistan and it certainly smelled like it from the front row press.
Obama: Swine Flu In It's Last Throes
Flu infects 100,000 in past week. Whole world may eventually have it, with many more deaths.....How about that Obama speech last night?
Fire Caused By French Military
The French army has come under stinging criticism after military exercise caused a forest fire that forced people to flee their threatened homes. An update, the army has just surrendered to the crowd.
Curling Stones Stolen
More than a third of Australia's total supply of stones for the winter sport of curling have been stolen from a new refrigerated lorry in Melbourne. Police are looking for three men carrying hernias.
Spy Blunt Confesses
The memoirs of former spy Anthony Blunt reveal how he passed British secrets to Communist Russia as the "biggest mistake of my life". "Even worse than placing those bets against Manchester United."
S. Africa Riots Continue
South Africa has vowed to crack down on riots in townships where residents are demanding better basic services, such as water and housing. "They should look at all they have to lose", says Zuma.
The Bin Laden Family
Bin Laden's son believed to be dead. Bin Laden believed to be still alive. The rest of the family, somewhat fair to middling.
Friends All Drive Porsches
Europe's biggest carmaker, Volkswagen, plans to purchase the German sports car firm Porsche, while retaining the latter's independence. Janice Joplin, in her Mercedes Benz, turns over in her grave.
Michael Jackson may have had swine flu
A new report suggests that Michael Jackson may have had Swine Flu which was made worse by the amount of drugs he was taking.
Atambayev Pulls Out
The main opposition candidate in Kyrgyzstan's presidential election, Almazbek Atambayev, has pulled out on polling day, claiming widespread fraud, misspellings.
Over 2000 Die in the UK
Over 2000 people in the UK have died in the last few days and none of them had swine flu.
NKorea Has No Friends
Hillary Clinton: North Korea has no friends left. Israel sends it's condolences.
East Africa On The Net
The first undersea cable to bring high-speed internet access to East Africa has gone live. First messages come from Nigeria, on how to get free faster service for one time payment in advance.
Stray Snake In Assembly
Stray snake halts proceedings in state assembly in Eastern Kentucky. Snake caught and returned to church next door.
Jackson's Doctor Probed
Officials probe Jackson's doctors in star's death. Discover part of an old Trojan Bareback Rider.
What Up Doc?
Researchers to implant pig cells in diabetics. Next they plan to implant rabbit cells in the infertile.
Swine Flu Vaccine
Manufacturers brewing new swine flu vaccine. Blind newts placed on the endangered species list.
Naked Came The Ploughers
Naked girls plough fields in India for rain. Young men want rain too, but hope it holds off just a bit longer.
Biden His Time
Georgia asks Biden for weapons, US won't commit. However, Biden invites them over to look around, kick a few tires.
Obama Blames Profiling
President Barack Obama said Wednesday that police acted "stupidly" in the arrest of prominent black scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr. "This is typical profiling by ignorant whites"
Drive-by shooting at Texas Southern wounds six, but five in car hit by student's return fire.
Another Michigan Press Stops
The Ann Arbor News hitting the presses a last time. Next issue will be hand written.
If It Works That Way
Once again, massive quake moves NZealand closer to Australia. British Isles considering setting some quake off in Atlantic to move them farther away from the continent.
Ford Making Money
Debt reduction pushes Ford to $2.3B 2Q profit. "So the key to this whole profit thing is debt reduction?" says General Motors.
Clinton Pissed This Morning
Clinton: North Korea running out of options on nukes. I've put it to them, either blow us up or shut up already. They're worse than that other pinhead in Iran. (Apparently Bill's running lose again).
Brown is Shit
In a recent poll on the popularity of The Prime Minister 99% of people thought shit was Brown I mean Brown was shit.
"Law & Order: SVU" Wants Taylor Swift
Producers of the hit show Law & Order: SVU announced that they were looking forward to asking country singer Taylor Swift to guest star in a future episode.
written by Mig93, 23 July 2009
Gordon Brown Film Scrapped
A short film that was to be made about how Gordon Brown became Prime Minister without being elected as such has been scrapped because they could not find anybody ugly enough to take the part.
Obama Inducted Into "Guinesses Book Of World Records"
As the "Most Deluded Man In The World" for actually believing his Health Care Reform package could ever become a reality.
written by tlmedia, 23 July 2009
Apple sacks security chief over iPhone suicide
"From now on," said new security chief Dr. Jack Kevorkian, "Apple employees will be given a proper and dignified method to snuff out their own lives if we accuse them of petty theft..."
written by Robin Berger, 23 July 2009
Yo Quiero la Justicia
In the Obama Administration's on-going war agaisnt the junk food industry, secret memos reveal that the CIA is behind the death of the Taco Bell dog. RIP Gidget. Your cause will not be forgotten!
written by Adam Click, 23 July 2009
Health Care Reform Timetable
President Obama's hurry-up approach to pushing Congress into passing health care reform, prior to their August break, is like getting nine ladies to have a baby in one month.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 July 2009
Liberal Democrats Outlawed in Texas
Texas outlaws liberal Democrats, but the use of bounty hunters was narrowly defeated. Other than being slightly left of Texas Republicans, there are few differences with conservative Democrats.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 July 2009
Mars Rover Discovery
Mars Rover discovers fairy dust on the planet. Reports he's no longer Mars Rover but Charles The First, King of Mars.
Where Is She?
Republicans in Congress and the Senate accuse Barack Obama of jumping from subject to subject without any discussion. Also, keep asking him, "What have you done with Condoleezza Rice?"
US Has Da Bomb!
The Russian government accuses the United States military of building the Grandmother of all Hydrogen Bombs, the "Earth Splitter!"
ABC's Special Guest
New York City drunk hauled away from ABC cameras live on "Good Morning America", still shouting about the ********
government owning 100% of the city's fireplugs.
Better Read Fine Print
United States Congress approves 2,000-page unread bill that will allow aids to place a turkey on their desk and sit there till it shits.
Government Uses Eclipse
Indian workers working their butts off after the Indian government informed them that if they didn't shape up, the sun would never be out again!