Sottish Council to announce a Minimum Drinking Age
Glasgow City Council have raised the minimum drinking age to age 32 in an attempt to keep alcohol out of Scottish high schools.
written by IN SEINE, 19 July 2009
May Already Have Mucated
Scientist are warning that the Swine Flu may have already mucated into a new Slime Flu.
Intelligence Panel Mostly Idiot/Savant!
Congressional Intelligence Panel: The CIA got everything wrong on Iraq because it was somehow given map and history of Saudi Arabia!
Get Your Choice
President Obama proposes a new draft plan that includes paying the government 50% taxes on income or being shipped to Afghanistan!
International Family Values
"International Meeting of All Religions' Family Values" turns into wild fist-swinging brawl.
Swine Flu Spreading
Several doctors now blame spreading of Swine Flu virus on so many computer hackers around the world.
Blow The Way To Go
President Obama says he blames the Baby Boomers for the greatest number of suicide bombers in history.
Something Funny Going On!
Third original birth certificate showing Barack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii, surfaces!
Detective Arrested Over Sex Assaults
Detective arrested over alleged sex assaults on female suspects. "It's the handcuffs. I have a problem with the handcuffs. Ask me wife"
Cruise Boat Has It All
Croquet anyone? The recession busting new cruise ship (complete with real grass lawn) sails into Southampton. Even includes sound proof booth where old guys can yell at them to get off his lawn)
Second Buzzard Attack
Second jogger left bloodied and bruised after buzzard attack.
City recommends showers built at intervals around jogging park!
"60 Minutes" Changes Name
After all these years CBS' famous show "60 Minutes" to change it's name to "The Silverback Hour".
Eternal Youth Discovered?
Secrets of a woman's wrinkles revealed as Nigerian scientists discover genes linked to eternal youth!
Peanut Cure Can Help Others
Peanut allergy 'cure' could also stop reactions to milk, the "Can't-help-it's when you can't help it" and gluten.
Superfoods Not Quite Quite!
Revealed: Why 'superfoods' like cranberry juice, black tea and rhino horn powder don't live up to the marketing hype
Demands Of John Hutton
Former defence secretary John Hutton calls for more manpower, tooth brushes, toilet paper and helicopters in Afghanistan, especially toilet paper!
Home Secretary rejects cap on immigration amid forecasts population will pass that of India by 2040.
Minister Driven To Religion
City minister Lord Myners, driven to religion after bonus culture of bankers leaves him horrified, claims that he can heal people!
Celebs, Nerds Scammed
Celebrities and sports stars among 600 mostly nerds scammed by £80million London Fonzi scheme!
Partical Board The Seller
The construction of new homes in the US rose 3.6% between May and June to the highest level in seven months, official figures have shown. Carpenters credit new plastic coated particle board.
Shark Takes Truck Bed Instead.
Ten-foot Shark makes it through checkers at JFK Airport but refuses to pay for six seats on airplane.
India eager to sign CTBT!
India's keen to sign the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty. "By banning school tests we can ensure universal primary education!" India's Education Minister told visiting US Secy of State Hillary Clinton.
written by Ghatotkacha, 19 July 2009
NYC A Little Shaken
Slight earth tremor hits New York City. Over 300 bodies unearthed in Central Park.
US Government Sued
Presidential aid sues the US government over getting a hernia from carrying in the new book of Tax increases. Hopes to win enough to pay his new taxes.
McDonalds Trying To Help
McDonalds, in order to help out during the present economical crisis, introduces the Five For A Buck, McGristle Burgers.
Al Queda Contributes Three Billion to Obama Reelection Campaign
Amount is smaller than the money they gave him for the 2008 election.
Winehouse Weds Statue
Much to no one's surprise, singer Amy Winehouse has wedded the statue of Rodin's Thinker. The couple expect to spend their honeymoon on the spot there in Paris.
New Gore Movie
Al Gore gets ready to star in his next movie, "Frankenstein, 2009", The Environmental Monster!
40th Anniversary of Moonwalk to be Observed with Michael Jackson Concert Footage
Did you expect anything intelligent after the media circus of the past few weeks?
Dylan Being Sued
Three of the remaining drunken band who were in studio screaming & yelling in the background of Dylan's hit "Rainy Day Women 12 & 35", thinking Dylan was practicing, sue for half the song's profits.
But It's Art
Progressive, alternative Bluegrass Raggae Group features naked Mon with dreadlocks whizzing on harmonica, while his two dogs crap on banjo, fiddle.
He's Still Got It!
An Aging Mick Jagger stumbles during attempted strut across stage, throws out his penis!
Most Great Ones Were Alcoholic, Drug Addicts
Alcoholic drug addict, down to his last few bucks, still believes he can write the Great American Novel on a roll of toilet paper.
Aids Scare Still There
The aids scare has the English & US adult industries grinding to a halt, according to the latest pole.
Upon hearing news of Walter Cronkite's Death, Jackson family reacts by saying:
"...it wasn't as important as Michael cuz this was another old white guy." And that's the way it is!
Maybe It's For Good
Magician David Blaine receives largest applause yet after failing to reappear at same spot he disappeared from one week ago yesterday.
Homeles Man Taken Care Of
Homeless man in New York City enjoys still a another free cup of coffee from photographer who won $10,000 for best B&W Photo Award for photo, "Homeless Man Drinking Free Coffee".
Largest French Fry Sold!
World's largest French Fry sells on EBay for $250. However, grease-heavy package costs almost $900 to ship.
Bridges In US Unsteady
Study of US bridges determine that 50% are out-dated and unsafe. However, report states that if you make it half way across, odds are very much improved that you'll complete the crossover.
Obama Finds Sticker Mesages
President upset on finding stickers on back of his coats he wore to G-8 & other overseas visits, that stated, "Naive Idiot, Will Compromise On Anything. Take Advantage While You Can!"
"Running Of The Bulls" Reconsidered
After the recent goring death of a runner, Pamplona, Spain officials consider "Running Of The Mad Cows "next year.
Court Received Faulty Info?
The US Supreme Court admits that they received faulty intelligence in deciding the 2000 Presidential election. "We were told that Al Gore was a environmental nutjob tree hugger says Justice Stevens.
Helicopters Money Already Spent
David Cameron has said the failure to supply more helicopters to British troops in Afghanistan is "a scandal". However, officials say that money was spent on MP vacations, extra homes.
Milan Drinking Ban
Will Milan teenage drinking ban work? "With all the free weed growing in the flower pots, we think so", say official.
First Sunday Crossings
The controversial first Sunday ferry sailing from Stornoway on Lewis to mainland Scotland will go ahead as planned, the operators said. Ferry brings preacher aboard to do sermons during crossings.
Election Called A Charade
The main challengers to coup leader Mohamed Abdelaziz have denounced Mauritania's presidential election as a "charade" and demanded an inquiry. However, the first Charade Parade is scheduled Tuesday.
Talks Stall In Three Countries.
Honduran rivals in talks deadlocked. Talks in Mexico are dopelocked. Meanwhile, talks in Jamaica are dreadlocked.
Clinton Discussing Weather In India
US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has arrived in Delhi, with climate change set to top her agenda. So far, most agree that it's the humidity, not the heat.
Mexico Drug War Worsens
New escalation in Mexico drug war as a hug battle takes place in San Antonio, Texas, at an old mission.
Toxic Waste Being Returned
The UK is working with Brazilian authorities to return more than 1,400 tons of toxic waste, the Environment Agency said. "Let's hope the old boat doesn't spring a leak out there" stated Brit official.
Porsche Deal With Volkswagen
Report: Porsche near deal with Volkswagen. "Still a few Bugs to work out, says Porsche CEO.
California Considers Options
Deal possible Sunday on California budget, including seven years of servitude to Mexico.
Cheating SC Gov. Expects To Be Better
Cheating SC gov says God will make him better, (probably by kicking his ass all the way to North Carolina)
Sotomayor Adds Wisdom
Sotomayor would lend different experience to court. "A wise Latino woman knows more than those other off-brand eight."
California Crisis Hits Schools
California's Crisis Hits Its Prized Universities. Southern Cal, University Of California, UCLA cut football season to six games.
Astronauts Install Porch, Rocking Chairs
Spacewalk Day: Astronauts install new porch on the lab, greenhouse out back where they can grow fresh veggies from hydroponic recycled piss.
Ashes Stolen - Cricket Cancelled
Scotsman Jock Cameron MacPherson so fed up with cricket being on the television all the time has admitted he has stolen the ashes. Cricket has been suspended because they have nothing to play for.
written by SPECTRUM, 19 July 2009
Pope To Use Other Arm
Thousands in Italy suffer broken bones after the Pope blesses them with with arm in cast.
Killer On Porch
Man on porch charged after 6 slain in Tenn., Ala. Police say it would have been even worse if He's gotten off that porch.
Bad Sushi Identified
The Center for Science in the Public Interest warns people not to eat old rubber tires disguised as Sushi. They want all Japanese restaurants to post their Sushi ingredients on a restroom wall.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 19 July 2009
New State Taxes Considered
In a hurry to raise money, California considering marijuana tax, Kentucky: horse racing tax, Utah: Wives tax.
California To Legalizes Marijuana
California considering legalizing, taxing marijuana to pay off huge deficit, will also adopt British tradition of "High Tea".
Sotomayor Quizzed By Democrats Also
Judge Sotomayor's first question from a democrat at hearing for Supreme Court Justice, "Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Republican Party?"