Turkey Cleaning Out Crooks
The NATO country of Turkey say that their police are putting an end to off-shore gobbling.
Dolphins Have Names
Scientists now say that dolphins have names for each other. Although Flipper most common, second is Bubba.
Just Climb Up
Federal Chairman Bernanke says the United States national debt may hit the moon before next astronauts.
Obama Throwing Them Out
Barack Obama throws out the first pitch at MLB All-Star Game, also, the first disorderly drunk at White House Beer Talks.
Iran's Trouble Grows
Iran violence has intensified over whether or not there's the possibility of a civil war coming.
Eskimos Adopt "Wait & See" Attitude
Eskimos, arguing to the point of fights over whether further drilling for oil will benefit them or not, have decided to wait and see what happens. "Cooler heads have prevailed", states spokesperson.
Australian Band Men at Work to Be Renamed
As a result of the economic downturn, Australian band, Men at Work, famous for their hit 'Down Under', are to be renamed. They will now be known as Men Out Of Work.
written by IN SEINE, 30 July 2009
Macarena/Swine Flu Reported
Scientists fear that the Swine Flu is mutating into the Macarena/Swine Flu, causing death from exhaustion or being shot by family, friends after driving them crazy.
Sotomayor's First Case?
The first case new Supreme Court Nominee Sotomayor may hear is an appeal by Adam Lambert that he actually finished first on "American Idol", ahead of Kris Allen.
Glenn Beck shocker
Tells the world he has a "deep seated hatred" of intelligent people.
written by Daniel Williams, 30 July 2009
Warns Eunuchs Next!
After election, opponents accuse Iran's Leader, Admadinejad, of hanging chads, headless Emirs and handless Omeds!
Weather Bad In DC
Washington DC weatherman reporting a huge dark cloud around President Obama's head after screaming contest with Mother-In-Law this morning.
Pot Calling Kettle
Pot calls the Kettle, "Hey man, like cool it, Kettle. Turn the burner off, man. You're freaking out!"
New Shoe Czar
Dr. Scholls has been named by President Barack Obama as the Shoe-Throwing Czar!
Space not the final fronter
Scientists today claimed to have found another fronter behind space, this will cause millions of text book's to be changed to now read - space the second from final frontier.
Jordon's left breast explodes out of sympathy for Andre
Today Jordon's left breast exploded in what is believed to be sympathy for ditched husband Peter Andre. The right stood firm after never really getting on with the weak voiced singer
Robot legs kicked Clarkson
A man with robotic legs claimed the legs malfunctioned and accidental but repeatedly attempted to kick Jeremy Clarkson in the groin. Clarkson only managed to avoid the attack by hiding in a tree.
Recession Drives Thousands To Pills
Recession 'drives thousands to use anti-depressant pills'. "Wish we'd had these back in the thirties", says old-timer.
Premiums Forced Up!
Car premiums forced up as hard-up drivers avoid paying. Thus forcing many more to avoid paying.
Maybe 90% This Winter?
British Gas profits up 80% as energy giant cashes in on freezing winter, poor, elderly and handicapped.
Not arresting drug dealers will help REDUCE violent crime, says think tank. Also, allowing murders to go loose will cut prison costs, population explosion, food shortages.
Holidays At Home
As millions of Britons holiday at home after that promise of a 'barbecue summer', how did the Met Office get it so wrong? "Two words say Met: Al Gore!"
TheSpoof Writers Limited
Home Secretary Alan Johnson has unveiled the final design of the controversial national identity card. TheSpoof writers will be limited to three each.
34 Sick After Perfume Sprayed
Thirty-four people went to hospital and dozens were treated for sickness after strong perfume was sprayed by a woman in a Texas bank. Police suspect it was "O D'd Cologne".
Slow Aussie Justice System
A music publisher that says Australian band Men At Work stole a melody from a children's song in hit Down Under has won the first stage of a court battle that apparently started in 1981.
More Airline Cutbacks
British Airways cuts short haul free meals, but first class passengers will be able to pass around a flask.
Mark Twain Would Have Loved This
When budgets get rough, states get gimmicky. For instance, the new tax on the jumping frog contest in Calaveras County, California.
What's With The Sexy Argentines?
Police: South Carolina man charged with having sex with horse from Argentina. Pardoned immediately by governor after call from Argentine mistress.
Dog On The Run
Australian dog found 9 years on, 1,200 miles away, after breaking mirror and receiving 49 years of bad luck.
Taking the Law into his own hands
Jude law reaction to becoming a father for the 4th time was to vow to take himself into his own hands and stop impregnating women and then leaving them.
CDC Warns Of Fall Flu Outbreak
Summer camp, greased pig contests at county fairs causing swine flu outbreaks presage fall surge: CDC
Health Care Bill Delayed?
Democrats press committee action on health care but representatives from Kentucky, Tennessee and Mississippi say they are "agin' it".
Twits on twitter
A scientific study found people who use twitter have thoughts 72% less interesting than those who don't use twitter. The consumers of twitter were uninterested in thoughts but preferred just words
New Matter Created
Scientists Claim New State of Matter Created! It was accidentally discovered when Cher came in for her 10,000 day boob check-up and one fell into some random experiment.
Tanning salons to be renamed human cookers
In an effort to warn people of the danger of tanning salons, the government is going to bring in a new law to rename them to human cookers. It hopes the renaming will educate the orange folk.
New State Of Matter Discovered
Scientists Claim New State of Matter Created! They also plan to name it in honor of the late Michael Jackson.
Cowel trousers hit chin
The flat topped high trousered star of the X Factor today got a nasty surprise as he pulled his trousers up so high he hit himself in the chin and knocked himself unconscious.
Old Argument Resurfaces
Obama hopes 'beer summit' defuses racial dispute, but right now the two are fighting over whether the beer chosen is less filling or has a better taste.
Iran Police Arrests
Iran police arrest mourners in cemetery memorial, probably using "disturbing the peaceful" as an excuse.
The True Defination Of "Teutonic"
Too much Schweppes, not enough gin!
written by tlmedia, 30 July 2009
Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" Might Win Razzie
Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" might grab this year's Razzie Award for "Worst Original Song" according to David Letterman.
written by Mig93, 30 July 2009
Taylor Swift Sues Mother Over Nude Photos
Country music superstar, Taylor Swift is suing her mother for selling a nude photograph of the singer to the Ladies Home Journal. "Hello, Mom, I'm not Marilyn Monroe," Swift complained. Too skinny.
Fr. Francis Dubois Unfrocked
Jesuit priest, Fr. Francis Dubois, was defrocked by his Bishop for calling a 14-year-old Kentucky girl an "Old Maid." The priest plans to appeal his defrockecture to Pope Benedict.
Pink Floyd becomes Black Jack
The legendary rock band, Pink Floyd, disbanded today in order to become a grunge band known as Black Jack. The band members renounced their British citizenship and left the UK for Mormon Seattle.
SyFy Channel explains wrestling show
The SyFy Channel attempted to explain its continued airing of Championship Wrestling on its line up, stating, "Nothing is more scientifically ficticious than wrestling," said representatives. True!
Schumacher returns to F1
Michael Schumacher has returned to Ferrari to replace Masser Three years after retiring. He has just one proviso...he requires a varifocal lens on his helmet.
written by IainB, 30 July 2009
Cat Seems Put Out
"She's acting a little indifferent," says new cat owner Neal Bryan. "I've never had one of these before, don't they play with yarn and stuff all day like in the calendars?"
written by Human Jai Alaight Reel, 30 July 2009
Clinton To Argentina?
Former President Bill Clinton seen discussing possibility of becoming US Ambassador to Argentina after meeting with South Carolina Governor.
Study Finds Texting While Driving Hazardous
A study funded with stimulus package money has found that "texting while driving can be hazardous." Using any remaining funds, the effects of touching a hot stove will be investigated next.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 July 2009
Congress Reduces Health Care Costs
Congress has added a provision to the Health Care Reform bill to increase patient cost savings. When your doctor prescribes a full body scan, bring your own MRI machine and save 80% of the cost.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 July 2009
Easy For Center To Remember That Way
Jessica Simpson really pissed at ex, Tony Romo, claims he rubs the Dallas Cowboys Center on the balls when he wants the ball snapped.
New Jersey Arrested
State of New Jersey appointed a "New Jersey Czar" by President Obama until it can be determined whether every single high official involved in latest scandal.
Anybody Read This Thing?
Huge government bill on insurance being passed around by US congressmen falls on floor, spilling out jewelry, a few collectible gold coins, lock of hair.