Afghan Rebels To Invade London
Claims a government spin-doctor. "We're not making it up this time, it's not a lie", said Alan Prik - special advisor to Gordon Brown. "If you don't believe it then you're one of them", he added.
written by Ron Smith, 15 July 2009
Bill's Forgotten Stash Discovered
Obama girls sick after discovering old Bill Clinton stash of ten boxes of Girl Scout cookies.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
School Superintendent Fired
In Firestone, Michigan, a metal detector at a high school fails to stop the intruder. School superintendent recommends small individual metal detectors on each student.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Off One Bike onto Another
A German brothel is going green to boost its business, offering customers money off if they arrive by bicycle. You get off your own bike and get on another. Make sure you're wearing bicycle clips!
written by IN SEINE, 15 July 2009
Dancing Man On Hold
Man on hold on telephone really getting with it with the music he's hearing, or else he needs to go to the bathroom bad.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Americans Sick Of M.J. Stuff
Many Americans wish they could stay away from all those stupid Michael Jackson news reports, magazines, tributes, buying his CD's. "I don't know what in the world is wrong with me!" a typical remark.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Students Still Absent
Several middle school students still not back to school in Richmond, Kentucky after losing their favorite teacher, Miss Snotgrass. "Who we gonna make fun of now", asks one.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Hard To Explain
Clarksville, Tennessee man rehearsing about how he's going to discuss sex with his 11-year-old son, wife.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Keeping Up Appearances
Forty-Year-Old virgin makes sure he's seen all over small town buying condoms and filling Viagra prescriptions, storing thousands away in basement.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
They'll Be More At Home There
Native American owned casino in Cherokee, North Carolina taken over by U.S. government. Cherokees offered another casino out west in North Dakota.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
My One Trick To Lose Fat
My one trick to lose fat is to cut my head off. Why don't you try it too!
written by Earl Grey, 15 July 2009
Many, Many Questions
40 years after moon landing, many are asking, why can't we cure cancer? Why can't we even cure the common cold? When is Larry King ever going to die?
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Man Dies At The Wheel
Dad suffers heart attack as son in back seat of car pops paper bag just as the car passes a trident missile being moved on big truck.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
US Economy Really Down
A bad sign that the United States economy is worse as Bill Gates, Warren Buffet appear before Bailout Committee.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
CIA Switch Targets
The CIA discontinues it's search for Osama in order to keep a close eye on Obama.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Sotomayer Questions Continue
Judge Sotomayer continues to be questioned by republicans before appointed to Supreme Court, but toy company says bobble-headed dolls already being made.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Now Playing A Different Drum
Playboy Magazine buys the rights to the Energizer Bunny. Will appear in December issue between breasts of centerfold. New bunny's eyes appear bigger.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Obama Still Spending!
President Obama's programs costing 13.75 trillion dollars. "That's less than $10,000 per person on the earth", say policy defenders.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Fred Thompson May Run In 2012
Tennessee's Fred Thompson's granddaughter says he may run for presidency in 2012! Wife? Fred Thompson's wife says he may run for presidency again in 2012.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Girls Find Secret Drawer
Obama girls find secret drawer in desk at White House about how to do plastic surgery of someone to make them appear as Saddam Hussein.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Former Head Arrested
Head of Hurricane Center removed from his post last year arrested and accused of seeding clouds with own private airplane.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Pope: Others Not True Church
POPE Benedict XVI: Other Christian church denominations not "True" church as they do not have indulgences concerning alter boys.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Iran's Nuclear Bomb
Experts now believe that Iran will have an Atomic Bomb ready within six months or, what was THAT?.....never mind. Stupid experts.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Democrats Defend Nominee
Democrats defend "Wise Latina Woman" remark by reminding republicans of VP Cheney's "The only good democrat is a dead democrat" remarks.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Wise Latina Woman
GOP Senators continue to hammer 'Wise Latina' remark as new song, "Wise Latina, Do The Macarena" hits the charts!
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
SSA Spending Social Security Money To Party
Social Security Execs boogie down at lavish Phoenix Conference
SSA says $700,000 event was necessary to reduce stress caused by death threats. Wait till the phone rings once they get back home!
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Let's Get This Straight
Nutritionists say that they did not say that red wine will make you live longer, but that your liver would be longer.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Google Confirms "Saying"
Google reports that while standing at certain flat plains in west Texas, you actually CAN see the back of your head.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Gonzales Have Alzheimers?
With the possibility of democrats looking into the Bush administration's treatment of detainees, then Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, has said "I do not recall any lies that were told back then."
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Compose and wife die in suicide pact
A composer and his wife who were both terminally ill went to a suicide clinic in Switzerland to die together. They are now both decomposing together.
written by SPECTRUM, 15 July 2009
Michael Jackson Was Murdered!
Latoya Jackson, and her father, Joe Jackson, think Michael Jackson was murdered. At the top of their list of suspects?
Those people they hired from New Jersey.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Cheney Had Secret Hit Squad
It turns out that former VP Cheney had a secret hit squad for al-Qaida. That's where he took all those hunting trips. Palin bagged two in one 24 hour period.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Soromayor At Ease
Apparently, Sonia Sotomayor thinks she's already got the supreme court position as during today's questions, she sudddenly called out, "Hey, Judge Thomas, this looks like a pubic hair on my mike!"
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Bush Releases List
Former President Bush released the final list of all the guests who stayed overnight at the White House when he was president. The most frequent visitor was that Saudi Prince he held hands with.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Bad Luck For Some
Yesterday in Washington, President Obama was in the middle of giving a speech when his teleprompter fell to the floor and shattered. Republicans fear "seven years of more speeches".
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
No Caps On Immigrants
I won't put a cap on immigration vows the Home Secretary. "They can wear whatever they are used to wearing on their heads."
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Backpacker Found Alive In Australia
Missing British backpacker found ALIVE after 12 days in Australian bush. Says he survived on Wallaby Tootsie Rolls, water from mirage.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Backpacker's guide to the salad drawer
The 19-year-old British backpacker missing in Australia for 12 days has been found alive. Jamie Neale lived on seeds, reeds "and a kind of lettuce." Cos? Cos there was nothing else to eat, stupid!
written by neilwatson, 15 July 2009
Egyptian Poet Jailed
A civil servant in Egypt has been jailed for three years for insulting President Hosni Mubarak in a poem, according to newspaper reports. Attorney who read it aloud in court given three years.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Map Of Swine Flu Deaths Needed
The government must map the spread of swine flu more accurately in order to predict the number of people who are likely to die from it, scientists say. Thus far, guess is between 1 and 50 percent.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Jackson Versus Diana - Results In Full
The misjudged ITN news item comparing Michael Jackson's funeral to Princess Diana's was pulled by TV chiefs due to public outcry. Viewers were upset that Jackson won 3-1 and demanded a re-run.
written by Ron Smith, 15 July 2009
Holy Water Removed
A bishop has advised that holy water be removed from churches in a bid to halt the spread of swine flu. Holes of water found to have piggy hoof prints.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Tiger Park Has No Tigers
One of India's main tiger parks - Panna National Park - has admitted it no longer has any tigers. But have thitrteen "Tony The Tiger" mascots the kids will love, until real tigers arrive.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Japan's Bank Downgraded
Japan's central bank has downgraded its economic forecast for the current financial year, but has reiterated that the worst of the recession and suicides are over.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
UN Monitors Leaving Georgia
UN monitors to leave Georgia. Believe former President Jimmy Carter now stable. Will not lead another civil war as he had promised.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Six Endure Mars Test
Six men endure Mars flight simulation experiment. Other thirty-six are "buried with honor, as they are heroes."
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Left: Health Care A Right
US House bill would make health care a right, coming almost exclusively from the left.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
New Zealand Quake
Tsunami warning canceled after New Zealand quake leaves the whole island feeling a bit sheepish with sheep everywhere.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
More Than Love Needed?
In love? It's not enough to keep a marriage, study finds. "You also need some money, Viagra."
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Pirates Continue To Increase
World pirate attacks more than double this year. UN leaders recommends more hangings from the yardarm.
written by Bureau, 15 July 2009
Pigs Contract Man Flu
Sows refuse to believe them, say they're exaggerating, just want to avoid clearing shed and they're boaring. In an unrelated but almost ironic incident, Spoof writer kills himself after writing this.
written by Ron Smith, 15 July 2009
Stupid Englishman Found
Jamie Neale, a backpacker who got lost in the Australian outback in search of a Big Mac, survived by eating any shit he could scavenge. "I just put the crap between two baps and hey presto!", he said.
written by Ron Smith, 15 July 2009
Big Down Under
An earthquake of magnitude 7.8 hit New Zealand today. No one of any interest or importance was injured or killed.
written by Ron Smith, 15 July 2009
Internal Strife
Irritable bowel lashes out at duodenum as spastic colon tortures anal sphincter.
Bladder, reportedly "about to burst"; threatens evacuation.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
Dolly Parton looalike competition cancelled
The annual Dolly Parton lookalike contest normally held in the smokey mountains has been cancelled because the treasurer Mr I Steel has stole all the funds and they have gone BUST.
written by SPECTRUM, 15 July 2009
Accentuate the positive
Episcopal church lifts ban on gay bishops, clergy; resulting schism in church thought to be outweighed by benefits to alter boys no longer pestered by horny old men with no outlet.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
Budget Deficit Tops $1 Trillion
Hits new record high as President Obama tries to invest in economy; hopes to make it so strong America can finally pay down deficit still lingering since Reagan bankrupted America "winning" Cold War.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
Makes me want to pull MY hair out!
Trichotillomania, the urge to pull out one's own hair, joins restless leg syndrome on long list of bizarre inflictions. Is there a medication to control my persistent urge to fart in public, too?
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
"I told you not to play with that in here!"
...mother tells boy with football after football-sized hole opens up in 737, depressurizing cabin and releasing oxygen masks, forcing emergency landing.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
Let's be frank about this
Hot dog vendors feeling the pinch as millions of homosexuals flock to taco stands.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
Who screens these tweeting twits, anyway?
Tour de France participants distracted by robot, part of marketing campaign for tech company, writing obscene chalk messages sent in by viewers along Tour's course.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
More words to live by...
Since Mexican President Felipe Calderon went after drug cartels, 10,000 have died across Mexico. Drugs lords' advice to Calderon: "Smoke a joint, snort a line, and chill the f**k out!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
"Batting a thousand"
Porn prince James Mitchell beats Danielle Keller, mother of his daughter, to death with baseball bat; enters murder major leagues with perfect batting average.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
False advertising?
Family of man who died driving over edge of Grand Canyon suing auto manufacturer; claim company marketed vehicle as suitable for "off-road" use.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
It's all in the timing
Latest study indicates being caught in extra-marital affairs more damaging to some. Experts' advice: If you must cheat on your spouse, wait until your approval ratings are high.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
OJ in the news again
"You'll probably be tried as an adult," prosecutor tells 16-year-old Florida murder suspect, "so drink plenty of Florida orange juice. A boy your age needs plenty of vitamin C."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 July 2009
North Carolina Cons Form Basketball Team
Club Fed announced formation of an inmate basketball team called the NC Ponzis. The 5 man team consists of Bernard Madoff, Robert Allen Stanford, Thomas Petters, Nicholas Cosmo and Lou Pearlman.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 July 2009
Florida Has Gas
Scientists have found that the state of Florida has vast amounts of natural gas. The cause is attributed to the growing of Navy, Green, Lima, and Kidney beans.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 July 2009
