Chinese Demand Payment
The Chinese government demands that the U.S. at least pay back part of it's debt before anymore loans are given. Obama claims he left billfold in other pants.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
More Gitmo Horrors
Former Gitmo prisoner sues the United States for serving red wine with fish main course, no garnishment on the plate what-so-ever.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Indians Demand Original Names
Native American Indians demand that all land be given original Indian names once again as he addressed a crowd on the steps of the White Horse.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Talk Radio Banned
President Obama has made Talk Show Radio in the U.S. illegal. "From now on, Limbaugh and company will have to rely on bumper stickers and tee-shirts!"
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Kent Librarian's Bit Of Levity
A Kent library has been visited almost every single day for two years by its own "puss in books", the council has said. Laughter from humorous pun quickly shushed.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Moscow's Police Chief Sacked
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has sacked Moscow's police chief a day after a senior officer opened fire in a supermarket, killing three people. Putin then order sack thrown into river.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Cataclysmic Explosion Or Sneeze?
The cataclysmic explosion of a giant star early in the history of the Universe is the most distant single object ever detected by telescopes or could be small piece of mucus from astronomer's sneeze.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Specter Changes Parties
US Republican Senator Arlen Specter is to switch sides and become a Democrat. Colleagues say he will undergo the operation early tomorrow morning.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Happenings In History
On this date in 1891, Dr. James Naismith trips over apple basket and drops watermelon through it, thus inventing the game of Watermelon Ball, later changed to less messy Basketball.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Cheney Still Hanging Around
Obama girls discover Dick Cheney hiding near White House, posing as a scarecrow in garden Michelle Obama planted on the White House lawn.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Not Many Sales Lately
By phasing out it's Pontiac line, General Motors says it will be able to save at least $100,000.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Rice Questioned About Gitmo
When asked by newsman this morning about her role in any water boarding of prisoners at Gitmo, Condoleezza Rice replied, "What about this Swine Flu thing? Scary, isn't it?"
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Star In Death Throes
Edge of the universe: Death throes of dying star spotted 13 billion light years away as mysterious rocket fired into space from circling planet.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Daughter Discovers Relic After Becoming One.
Daughter discovers £500,000 jade ornament in a box of relics left in a bank vault for 70 years. "Now I wish I'd never opened it", says 95-year-old Relic.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Poland's PM Lectures Brown
Stony-faced Brown gets yet another lecture on the economy... from Poland's prime minister. "You make my brain hurt!"
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
First To Fire In Anger
Female soldier becomes first British woman to fire in anger at the Taliban. Apparently, the rest have been mostly for sport.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Flu Panic
Swine flu panic sweeps UK as public rushes to buy facemasks, rabbit's foot, four leaf clovers, mojo bags.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Half Of Brits Could Get Flu
40% of UK could get swine flu if outbreak becomes a global pandemic, warns WHO expert. Las Vegas oddsmakers make it 50%.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Britain's favourite police drama,' The Bill' to Go off Screen until Further Notice.
'The Bill', ITV's police drama has been the latest victim in of swine flu and is no longer to be screened until further tests can be conducted. "All the pigs are alive and well" said an ITV spokesman.
written by IN SEINE, 28 April 2009
F*CKING SH*T
SCOTUS ruled today for control of language which could be "sexual" or "excretory". They are clearly going for total hole control! (The work of *ssholes)
written by jkfields, 28 April 2009
The Swine Flu Merry-Go-Round
The U.S. is discouraging travel to Mexico. Canada is discouraging travel to the U.S. Greenland is discouraging travel to Canada. Mexico is discouraging travel to Greenland.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 April 2009
The New Song Singing Airline Company
It appears that American Airlines is likely to be purchased by an investment group headed by Simon Cowell, Ryan Seacrest, and Paula Abdul. The new airline name will be American Idol Airlines.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 April 2009
Mexico's 5.6 Earthquake Ain't Nothin'
Mexico jarred by a 5.6 earthquake. Many residents say that they're not concerned about a 5.6 earthquake, because they're more concerned about a 9.9 swine flu.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 April 2009
New York City vs. The United States
The New York City mayor came close to having the White House plane that flew over Manhattan shot down. The only reason he didn't was because he did not want to get into a war with the United States.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 April 2009
Wanted: Europeans
European Health Organization officials urge Europeans not to travel to the United States because of the swine flu. They later change it and say just not to travel to Pigsburgh or Oinklahoma City.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 April 2009
Where The Hell Did The Swine Flu Come From?
Mexico says they got the swine flu from Guatemala, who got it from Costa Rica, who got it from Ecuador, who got it from Peru, who got it from Bolivia, who got it from...Porky Pig.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 April 2009
Mexican Vacations: Starting at 75 Cents a Day!
The Honest Juan Travel Agency: Americans come on down to sunny Mexico, we have earthquakes, volcanoes, drug cartel wars, and swine flu, which all make Montezuma's Revenge seem like a sneeze.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 April 2009
White House Plane To Be Exhibit A
New York City is suing the United States over stress caused by White House plane flying over Manhattan. The city wants $10 billion but they will settle out of court for $12 billion.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 April 2009
On This Date In 1961
On this date in 1961, Hockey great Wayne Gretzky was born and when slapped on the ass to breathe, knocked doctor into glass side, knocking out two of his teeth.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Guv. Pleases Greenpeace
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has appeased Greenpeace buy allowing the Giant Redwoods the right to vote.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Rival to Viagra found
A Millwall fan claims to have discovered a new rival for Viagra. It comes in a mixture of suntan cream and concrete. He says that he uses it every day and it helps him to 'look hard!'
written by IN SEINE, 28 April 2009
"Limberlegs" Wins World Championship
Walter "Limberlegs" Poston of The Farm in central Tennessee has won the world's championship Hacky Sack competition in San Francisco.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Israeli Has Swine Flu
Israel has confirmed its first case of swine flu, saying tests showed a young man who recently returned from Mexico had contracted the virus. Moved to non-kosher section of hospital.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
NZ's New Flu Cases
New Zealand has confirmed the first cases of swine flu in the country. Apparently thought cases contained latest sleepwear from Fredericks of Hollywood, Victoria's Secret.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
French Tighten Belts
Many of the best restaurants in France are being forced to tighten their belts and lower prices as recession eats into their profits. Now complaining about having to eat their own food.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Pope May Need Rest Soon
Pope Benedict XVI has spent the morning in central Italy visiting survivors of the earthquake that struck on 6 April, just blessing his head off.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
The "Boarg" Behind Swine Flu?
New cases of the deadly swine flu virus have been confirmed as far afield as New Zealand and Israel, as the UN warns it cannot be contained. Boarg: Resistance is futile.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Leno Back On Stage
Leno back on the stage, joking about his illness. Says he saw a lighted tunnel with Johnny Carson at the other end, doing interview with Bea Arthur.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Europeans Aid Workers Released
Somali gunmen free two European aid workers after receiving food and water supplies, getting all patched up.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Three Acquited In Briton
Three men have been acquitted of helping London bombers in 2005, 1944!
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
New Mortgage Incentives
Treasury has new mortgage incentives: Democrats offer "No payments until after next presidential election plan."
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Swine Flu to Morph?
Heywood Banks has a wonderful song "If Pigs Had Wings". To update his fanciful mind bending, I would just like to add that if pigs did indeed have wings, we would be in for for the avian-swine flu.
written by jkfields, 28 April 2009
Telvision Rules Lives
Watching TV might not make you happy, but for some viewers it beats being alone, says study. Others, it's the reason they are alone since they never turn it off during visits.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
White House Apologizes For Acting Like Idiots
White House apologizes for Obama plane's New York flying over and around and between tall buildings. Didn't know it might panic people there.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Tinkerbell Doing Fine
Tinker Bell has been reunited with her owners after a 70-mph gust of wind picked up the six-pound Chihuahua & tossed her out of sight, credit pet psychic for guiding them all to clap their hands!
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Swine Flu Spreading
Swine flu spreads to Middle East, Asia-Pacific, the Perkins place down in the holler, just past Uncle Levi's.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
Americans Really Upbeat
Obama approval rating is 68 percent, new nationwide poll shows. Mainly because of economic boom, no major disease outbreaks, troops home from overseas, Good Ship Lollipop being rescued from pirates.
written by Bureau, 28 April 2009
China has 100 million people with mental illnesses
China has 100 million people with mental illnesses. Meanwhile, great Britain has only 65 million people with mental illnesses - the 'normal' people can be found in the Houses of Parliament.
written by IN SEINE, 28 April 2009
What happened to bird flu?
As swine flu is now the next big disease, bird flu has become obsolete. Back to havin' sex with turkeys now, huh?
written by warmaster, 28 April 2009
Now THAT'S a lot of hot air
Rush Limbaugh admitted to Hanging Chad Memorial Hospital in Pepticolon, Florida with 2nd degree burns on lips and tongue.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 April 2009
TheSpoof.com writer goes Green!
First, he recycles The Onion, passing off their spoof stories as his own work. He then recycles the newspaper a second time, using it to line his birdcage!
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 April 2009
Bea Arthur died of swine flu?
After learning more about the disease, Bea Arthur's family admits fib about cancer. Said they were afraid people would assume she had been intimate with a pig.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 April 2009
Bodyparts Mystery Solved!
What merely started out as a case of 'Extreme Twister', quickly got quite out of hand...
written by Rula Nation, 28 April 2009
