Pope Approves Early Withdrawals
Pope Benedict the XVI has approved an early withdrawal from Iraq and in bedrooms of married Catholic couples with a house full of kids already.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Temps To Climb 60 Degrees
The Weather Channel's very latest on global warming: Temperatures may climb as much as 60 degrees between now and next summer.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Lassie: Timmy's In Trouble
A new Lassie movie, "Timmy Visits The La Brea Tar Pits" will be coming out this next Spring, according to CNN's "Entertainment News".
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Comander's Report From Baghdad
A United States Army Commander told ABC News yesterday that both violence and population were down over thirty percent in Baghdad.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Unemployment Up 100%
"Unemployment now 100 freaking per cent as far as I'm concerned", says angry laid-off ABC poll worker.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Hot Wheels Bailout
CEO's of Hot Wheels are in Washington requesting a bailout of some five billion dollars to remove Chinese leaded paint.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Al Franken Joker
Al Franken threatened to become a Joker-Like mastercriminal if he is refused to be seated as the new Senator of Minnesota.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Jimmy Carr Is An Escaped Ventriloquist Dummy Shock!
Weird comic, Jimmy Carr is really a run away ventriloquist's dummy.
"His hair is actually painted on and so are his eyes" said Mr Geppetto. Ironically, Carr is known for being wooden!
written by Phil Edgar's Bones, 09 December 2008
Wii music particpation makes you look like a tosser!
Anyone over ten years old, without a learning difficulty, will look like a tosser and wanker; if they use Wii music. "It's not a scientific fact just an observation" say researchers.
written by Phil Edgar's Bones, 09 December 2008
Yucca Mountain Climbers Spotted
Reports from Nevada indicate that the three lost Yucca Mountain climbers who have been missing for two days were easily spotted last night "glowing away" when they ventured out after dark.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
The 72 Virgin Rule
An unamed Imam has announced today that 72 virgins is okay but 144 would be gross.
written by IN SEINE, 09 December 2008
Cow Flatulence Tax
The EPA may tax cows in an attempt to reduce flatulence emissions. All 300 Million Americans should immediately go to a window, stick their butts out and let an untaxed big one go for the Gipper.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 December 2008
Just An Everyday Chicago Furniture Sale
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich arrested on charges of trying to sell Obama's senate seat. He said, "Look, it's a big misunderstading. I was just trying to sell the chair, the actual chair.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
Kiss Of Death
This weekend at a Kennedy Center Awards ceremony, Barbra Streisand suddenly kissed President George W. Bush. Afterwards Bush said, "I always wondered what that 'kiss of death' thing was about."
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Code Red Warning
This is a Code Red Warning: The Long Island WalMart stampede has been spotted heading in the direction of a mall in New Jersey.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Old Lady Bites Herself
An old lady from Chipping Sodbury has been hospitalised after sitting on her false teeth. Mavis Walker, 93, who has Alzheimer's Disease said; "I forgot where I left them, but now I remember - ouch!!!"
written by IN SEINE, 09 December 2008
Santa Claus Has Become A Jehovahs Witness Shock!
Santa, has become a witness of Jehovah, and decided he doesn't believe in himself. This Xmas, kids should also expect, no blood transfusions and copies of the WatchTower and Awake in their stockings.
written by Phil Edgar's Bones, 09 December 2008
The Shrine Circus Pomeranian
An Ohio man was arrested for biting his pet Pomeranian puppy. The man told animal shelter officials, "I was trying to teach him to sit, but all he wanted to do was reverse triple somersaults."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
A Gayless Wednesday?
Same-sex marriage supporters in Calif. are having a 'call in gay' on Wednesday. The Gays will have 'A Day Without A Gay' Wednesday. Next week? The fatties will have "A Day Without Yoplait' Tuesday.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
Our Hotels Have The Wettest Water In Town
Tourism in Cuba has reportedly had a huge surge. Havana economists attribute part of the increase to the fact that the local Holiday Inns have bought brand new sheets.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
Senator Ted Stevens Heading To Alaska's 'Big House'
Alaska's new senator does not want his convicted predecessor, Ted Stevens, 85, to go to prison. He said, "I'm afraid that Ted would quickly be turned into Tedina, an 85-year-old great grandmother."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
Bankers Confused as to How Best To Act
Bankers everywhere are confused as to the way to go. Tired of managing bombed out houses, most are replacing their loan departments with begging departments. "We can't afford both," they confide.
written by Aspartame Boy, 09 December 2008
Transylvania Situation Tense
In Transylvania, riot police say there's an explosive situation as angry crowds there are just looking for any excuse to chase a monster.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Big Florida Freakout
In Orlando, Florida yesterday, a circus clown who had his big shoes hidden as a joke, freaked out and let out all the freaks.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Money Presses Down
The Federal has announced they will not be doing anymore bailouts until repairmen can get the badly worn money presses back up and running.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Time Traveling Joker
Archaeologists now believe that a time traveling joker is behind all the mood rings and 2015 Obama quarters they keep digging up in Egypt and South America.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Pluto Really Sad
Astronomers say it's really sad to see the former planet Pluto, the way it keeps hanging around the big planets like Lenny around George.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Nude Car Models
There's going to be a few changes in this year's Detroit Auto Show. For one thing, it will cost $50 to enter the showroom. For another, all the models showing off the new cars will be completely nude.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Pirates Getting Out Of Hand
Somali pirates demanded that the United States hand over one billion dollars this morning for the release of captured Hawaii, Peurto Rico.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Pope Had A Vision
The Vatican reported yesterday that Pope John Paul II had a "prophecy" of the market collapse as early as 1985, right after General Popemobiles went belly-up.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2008
Kissing to be banned in China
Kissing is to be banned in china after a 20 ear-old girl was left deaf in her left ear. The girl from Bejing, who did not wish to be identified, said angrily; "What?"
written by IN SEINE, 09 December 2008
Immigrant TV: Tonight's show
The new Immigrant Channel on UK TV is going to be showing 'Currynation Street' at 7:30pm.
written by IN SEINE, 09 December 2008
Irish Blood Transfusion Attempt
Padraig O'Reilley, a haemophiliac, was caught in a Dublin electrical strore today, stealing a plasma TV set. He said "I thought it would help get my blood count down to normal!"
written by IN SEINE, 09 December 2008
Car Boot Sale Shock
A Smegmadale couple who bought a case of fizzy soft drinks at Pikey Pete's Pick and Mix car boot sale were amazed on opening the box at home to find it contained a brand new laptop computer.
written by Rusty, 09 December 2008
Ciggy displays ban in UK tobacconists
The UK is to ban display cases of cigarettes and tobacco products in the UK to help reduce smoking-related illnesses, while drug dealers are clearly visible on any city street corner.
written by Rusty, 09 December 2008
Canine Study Results
Recent canine studies show that dogs have a sense of fairness. Except of course for pit bulls who are all pretty much still just damn mean sons of bitches!
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
The Hungry Weatherman
The local weatherman in Fargo, North Dakota has just written a cook book entitled, 'Cooking Up A Storm.'
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
Talk To The Hand
A man in Quebec has been arrested for making lewd and lascivious sign language. The man stated, "Hey, I'm sorry, it was an accident...my hand just slipped."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
Plain Vanilla (Sort Of)
A horrible fungus has hit Madagascar's vanilla producing industry. Baskin Robbins quickly announces it will close 127 stores nationwide.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock
The world's timekeepers are adding one extra second to the last day of 2008. Great, we can all sleep in the next morning.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
Aspartame Showing Up on Ingredient Labels as Natural Flavor
Aspartame is being added to fruit juices with just the words 'natural flavor' since the bacteria that make it are natural, even though they are genetically engineers mutants from hell.
written by Aspartame Boy, 09 December 2008
The Price of Aspartame Shot Up Today On One Huge Buy
OJ stocked up on 1 ton of aspartame to feed the killer when he finds him. OJ is now in the hospital. Seems he forgot to wear his respirator when handling the aspartame.
written by Aspartame Boy, 09 December 2008
OJ Out on 700 Billion Dollarm Bail, Promises Step Up Golf Playing to Find Killer
OJ lobbied the Congress today for bail money and a new set of golf clubs, shoes, and a spy scope to find the killer after promising to find the killer and make him eat aspartame.
written by Aspartame Boy, 09 December 2008
Latest Economic Stimulus Package to Buy Everything, Since Few can Afford Anything
Today the U.S. Government announced that it is buying everything at at a 500% markup and taking a one percent ownership in everything. The ten owners, of everything, were very happy, but want more.
written by Aspartame Boy, 09 December 2008
Turtle Foreplay: 72 Hours
Scientist in the Galapagos Islands are studying the sex habits of the giant Galapagos turtles. The final report should come in, in about four to five years.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
Chemically Speaking
The Dow Chemical Company has just announced that it will be closing 20 plants. Meanwhile Monsanto says that they will be closing 15 bushes.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
Jerry Mouse Finally Killed By Thomas Cat Shocker!
Jerry the mouse, has finally, been killed by Tom. Tom said "After 70 years of chasing, I realised I was a crap mouser. I simply put down some poison, he ate it and died. I'm not sad he was a shit"
written by Phil Edgar's Bones, 09 December 2008
BNP Leader Sends Yuletide Greeting To His Members
BNP leader Nick Griffin has thanked people for staying in his party, after the membership list was leaked on-line. He wished them all a white Christmas and an even whiter country.
written by Phil Edgar's Bones, 09 December 2008
Hannah Montana Survey Shocker!
A recent advert for something or other, on several internet websites, insist on asking this question "Do you like Hannah Montana?" - "No!", has been the general consensus.
written by Phil Edgar's Bones, 09 December 2008
John Wayne Gacy Tops The 'Baddest Clown Ever' List!
Captain Spaulding, Donald McRonald and Pennywise are fuming after Gacy topped the most evil clown list. McRonald said "My milk-shakes alone have killed millions more people than Gacy"
written by Phil Edgar's Bones, 09 December 2008
Bondage Kangaroo Gives Evidence Against Rolf Harris
Stylophone-playing Rolf Harris was in court yesterday. The Kangaroo he tied down, in his flat, circa 1963 gave evidence. Rod claims he was too 'AUSTRALIAN' & 'BEARDED' to harm the beast!
written by Phil Edgar's Bones, 09 December 2008
Ringo Starr Lifts Fan-mail Ban, Hooray!
Cuddly, Beatle- Ringo Starr, has lifted his fan-mail ban. He put his October out-burst down to uncomfortable dentures and the removal of 'Last of The Summer Wine' from its regular slot!
written by Phil Edgar's Bones, 09 December 2008
Fort Walton Beach - Land of The Sand
A couple in Fort Walton Beach, Florida were arrested for stealing beach sand. They both plead quilty on grounds of 'insandity.'
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 December 2008
Boomerang Finally Comes Back to Charlie Drake
Dead dwarf-man Charlie Drake, can finally rest in peace. His boomerang has finally returned after a 45 year absence. The boomerang said he intended to come back, but in his own time.
written by Phil Edgar's Bones, 09 December 2008
Peter Falk To Return As 'Columbo'
Veteran crumpled actor is to return for a final series. Each week, the cop will try to resolve the mystery of the talent-free rich and famous. Jade, Posh and Paris star in first episode.
written by Phil Edgar's Bones, 09 December 2008
