Vaseline Workers Protest
Angry workers who manufacture Vaseline, have coated TV news cameramen's with the petroleum jelly after being laid-off due to the economic downnturn. Police believe it is just a smear campaign.
written by IN SEINE, 28 December 2008
Federal Reserve Recalls All Notes
The Federal Reserve has recalled all notes it has issued: Ones, Tens, and so forth. They were just loans. Now they are all needed back to invest in China. Please deliver to them your Post Office.
written by Aspartame Boy, 28 December 2008
Pope's Gay Olive Branch
The pope has today apologised to the gay community for his pre-Christmas homophobic rant and readily admitted that on Christmas Day there is nothing he enjoys more than a good, thick German sausage.
written by Jonny Taff, 28 December 2008
Madoff Under Mansion Arrest
Madoff still under mansion arrest for swindling people out of billions, wearing GPS solid gold, diamond-studded ankle bracelet so police can trace him should he leave mansion.
written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
New Wonder Drug
Pharmacy Lab spokesman announces "Wheeeee! we've invented a new pill for depression! Yehah! Wahoo! Giddy Up! Giddy Up! Giddy Up! Look out Mama, Daddy's coming home with a sparkle in his eye!"
written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Gore's Dire Warnings
Al Gore predicts more global warming disasters: M & M's will melt in their bags before they ever make it to you hands.
written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Pothead In Trouble
A lifelong marijuana smoker since the Haight Asbury days has been diagnosed with cancer of the Inner Visions.
written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
2009 Predictions Not Good
An early 2009 prediction says that stock prices will be down 20 percent in the coming year, pants at least by half an inch.
written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Family Loses Entire Kitty
A nine and a half foot pet snake has swallowed a family's kitty. Apparently, the piggy bank with $1200 was mistaken by snake for the real thing. The $1200 was their entire savings.
written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Gas Prices Lowered
A grateful nation cheers the lowering of the price of gas- as Beano cuts prices due to high sales with everyone eating more basic foods.
written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
U.S.,- Vietnam Exchange
In an announcement from the Pentagon, the United States will return primitive artifacts to Vietnam in exchange for John McCain's original brain in a jar.
written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Laptops In Stalls
Company saves thousands of dollars by placing laptop computers in bathroom stalls, extra underwear provided for those who forget to log off.
written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Bush Accomplishment $74
Bush accomplishment #74: With over 100,000 homes sitting empty due to family bankruptcies, nation's homeless problems eased up.
written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Peanut Allergy
Kid with peanuts allergy passes away over the holidays after watching "Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown".
written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
National Dogging Day
The UK is to declare New Year's Eve a non-working National Dogging Day from 2008 on. Critics have lambasted the proposal saying it's too cold for any serious al fresco dogging until May or June.
written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
New US of A National Anthem
US President-elect Bar-rat O'Barmy's first intended official act in office is to change America's national anthem, Star-Spangled Banner, to the Kenyan "Kiss-wahili" aka "Kiss my Ass".
written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Two-ply problem for Zimbabwe
UN relief workers say Zimbabwe is now facing a crisis of unestimable proportions. The cholera epidemic is now affecting 90% of the population and the country has just run out of toilet paper.
written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
I'll drink to that !
Groups of UK youths canvassed, during Xmas binge boozing sessions, on the government's campaign to publicize the dangers of excess alcohol consumption agreed with a collective "We'll drink to that."
written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Ding Dong Dell: pussy in the well
In a reprise of the old nursery rhyme a horse that disappeared from a Yorkshire field has been found and rescued after falling into a disused well. A vet stated the animal was extremely thirsty.
written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Nurse found in Boot
A nurse in Scotland was found in a boot after she had been missing for several days. Police spokesman Jock McPlod told the media "She's a small lassie and it was a fairly large boot."
written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
'Hard on' Hum-Int gathering
CIA agents are supplying sexually-challenged / impotent Afghan warlords with the baby-blue virility-boosting drug Viagra in return for information on Taliban military activities.
written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Do your Homework
An Egyptian court has sentenced a schoolteacher to 300 hours of community service work for beating a pupil to death because he had not completed his homework on schedule.
written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Condition Discovered That Turns Conservatives Into Liberals
Called bankruptcy, it's got auto company execs, bank owners and Wall Street fat cats who normally revile government intervention in their business scrambling for handouts.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 December 2008
Dumb Blonde Hospitalized After Snorting Aspartame
She thought it was "diet coke."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 December 2008
Britney Spears Removes Top
Though she had to run hot water over it and eventually resort to a rubber glove, she was finally able to remove the stubborn lid from a jar of pickles.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 December 2008
Aspartame Overdose?
A recent study indicates overexposure to Aspartame articles and snippets causes irritability, annoyance and understimulation of the cerebral cortex.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 December 2008
