Parents Still Ignoring Signs Of Violence
New York parents of young killer admit that they should have noticed the early signs of violence, like their son's hand grenade, dog head collections.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2008
Tootie-Fruity Condom Sales On
WalMart announces a big holiday season roll-back on condoms, all brands, sizes, colors and flavors including Tootie-Fruitie.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2008
Democrats Deeply Disappointed
Democrats are deeply disappointed as 90 percent of all recorded Karl Rove e-mails turn out to be penis-enlargement spams.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2008
Eskimo Breeding Habits
Greenpeace warns that dogsled races, snowmobile joyrides and cross-country skiing are disrupting the natural Eskimo breeding habits.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2008
Woodpecker Wipeout
A new study says that the extinction of the ivory-billed woodpecker was due to the birds becoming victims of ivory hunters.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2008
Imus & Andy
Columbia Broadcasting Station plans for a new revised version of "Imus And Andy" TV Show goes down a black ho.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2008
Suicide-Bombers Day Ruined!
In Baghdad yesterday, the mother of all hiccups completely ruined the last day on earth of suicide bomber's big day.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2008
Teacher Murgatory's Complaint
Kids in the sixth grade learning a lot about Mrs. Murgatory's pitiful paycheck, big idiot of a husband.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2008
Canadian PM is the Original Loonie
Prime Minister Stephen Harper will give General Motors $3 billion despite them asking for $2.4 billion.
written by JAB, 21 December 2008
Taiwan given pandas
China has given Tawan a pair of Pandas. If they produce any offspring, they will have to be clearly marked 'MADE IN TAIWAN'.
written by IN SEINE, 21 December 2008
Federal Death Administration Approves New Diet Sweetener
Strangely, the people are reluctant to try it.
written by Aspartame Boy, 21 December 2008
Shop n Sup
Leicester's Melton High Street retail association yesterday offered a free pint of beer to anyone shopping in the town, resulting in drunken bargain squabbles in Woolworths and Poundland.
written by Rusty, 21 December 2008
Sticky Position
An 80-year old woman who got bogged in mud overnight while walking her dogs along a Smegmadale river is now safe in hospital. Neighbours told the media she was always a bit of a stick in the mud.
written by Rusty, 21 December 2008
Police launch Operation Stuck
Traffic on the M20 motorway in Kent is still congested after po;ice initiated Operation Stack, with lines of vehicles backed up from the Dover and Folkestone areas to Glasgow.
written by Rusty, 21 December 2008
Zero tolerance
A Smegmadale Hospital mortuary worker who failed to wash his hands after handling corpses has been fired under new NHS zero tolerance hand hygiene rules due possible MRSA infection of other corpses.
written by Rusty, 21 December 2008
Lord Attenborough's fall: latest
Lord Richard Attenbourugh is known to have to have slipped on a Tyrannasaurus turd - a memento from Jurrasic Park on Thursday night. An A&E spokesman said; "Phew those things can be smelly!"
written by IN SEINE, 21 December 2008
UK Christmas shut-downs
More small UK firms are planning to take an extended Christmas break to stave off the negative economic effects of the deepening recession and plan to reopen for business sometime after Easter 2009
written by Rusty, 21 December 2008
Edit the Credit
IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Klunt has told the BBC that people need to spend more to solve the current global recession, but stated he was still working on how they could do this if they were broke.
written by Rusty, 21 December 2008
Nicholas Nickleby role models
UK teachers will have to act as "role models" both in and out of school under a proposed code of conduct says Childrens' Secretary Ed Ballsup. The intended role model is Dicken's Wackford Squeers.
written by Rusty, 21 December 2008
Lusitania sinking okayed
Kraut military historian Wolfgang von Schnit has declared the WW1 German naval action of torpedoing and sinking the Lusitania was justified as divers had recovered rifle ammunition from the wreck.
written by Rusty, 21 December 2008
Credit card use hits Xmas high
Credit card company Visa Europe said they hit a peak in transactions at noon today when the company recorded 700 payments a second. Visa are praying New Year repayments might reach 700 per month.
written by Rusty, 21 December 2008
Mandy knocks back Jag' bail out
A Jaguar-Land Rover bail out by the government has been nixed by Peter Mandelson, who told the firm's new owner, India's Tatty group, to get their hands in their own pockets and not come begging.
written by Rusty, 21 December 2008
Poor get poorer
The Labour government are planning to charge 27% interest on all state loans to the UK's poorest families in crisis situations in order to ensure a continuation of their poverty / breadline status.
written by Rusty, 21 December 2008
Snowing in Vegas: its not just Angel Dust
Recent falls of snow in Las Vegas has surprised nobody in the Desert City. "We've got enough snow here without the real thing coming down from Heaven" said one local wit. Its true, just ask any junky.
written by whatinthe world, 21 December 2008
Illinois Gov. quotes Monty Python at News Conference
Gov. "Life of Blago"quoted the refrain… "Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it…always look on the bright side of life..."
written by JAB, 21 December 2008
AIDS Carriers
Scientists have found that the elderly are now the leading carriers of AIDS: Hearing AIDS, Band AIDS, Walking AIDS, Medical AIDS, Government AIDS, most of all, Monetary AIDS to their kids!
written by IN SEINE, 21 December 2008
Shaquille O'Neal Not Old Self this Year as He Explains
"I haven't stuffed any of my opponents thru the hoop this year. Usually, I try to take them up with me and slam them thru with the ball. So far, I just dunked a few of their broke off body parts."
written by Aspartame Boy, 21 December 2008
Marc Elias Claims Victory Based on Total Weight of his Voters
"If push comes to shove, my voters outweigh yours by tons", claimed Elias, ignoring the vote tabulation. Elias is set to appeal to the NFL next, then the World Wrestling Federation.
written by Aspartame Boy, 21 December 2008
Sarah Palin Elected Person of the Year
TheSpoof's person of the year for 2008 is Sarah Palin. Rejected by other magazines, TheSpoof "gets it" Sarah. So bring it ON.
written by Aspartame Boy, 21 December 2008
Outlook Dims as Obama Expands Economic Goals
Fear of the new goals is driving the depression deeper into the hearts of men. In response, Obama expands his economic goals further.
Fear...
written by Aspartame Boy, 21 December 2008
Brainless Baby from a Babies Brain Circumcised
The unsucessfull operation is best described in this news, snippet.
written by Aspartame Boy, 21 December 2008
Madoff Speaks, Blames the Short Sellers
"Sure I ran a Ponzi scheme, but it would have worked if weren't for those bears at TheSpoof telling everyone to sell short. This lead to a bank run. We were just a bank. You will get your money."
written by Aspartame Boy, 21 December 2008
Boffins Discovered by American Socialogists
A review of English literature has revealed that a new type of robot appears to have been put into use in Britain. This robot seems to have abilities superiour to humans. Or they may be from UFOs.
written by Aspartame Boy, 21 December 2008
Rubber Omlette Industry in Crisis.
Rubber Omlette inc. Major provider of airline food, is in crisis following the catastrophic decline in air travel. "We're cracking up", bemoaned Cheesen Am, "The industry is scrambled, it's no yolk".
written by jeremy griffiths, 21 December 2008
Pregnant Baby Delivers Baby from its Baby Brain
A baby delivered a tiny baby from its baby brain today, naturally. The parent-baby was a heavy aspartame-ladden formula drinker. Its parents used aspartame. The baby from the brain had no brain.
written by Aspartame Boy, 21 December 2008
Santa Claus Purchases Hybrid Model Sled
Fresh off the Honda assembly line, the sled can switch from reindeer power to electric power, significantly reducing reindeer emissions. Santa may also opt for a green suit this holiday season.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 21 December 2008
Walters Interviews Her Boobs
A Barbara Walters Special will be on next week on Tuesday night. "Barbara Walters Interviews Her Arse & Boobs" will be on at 11:30PM immediately following the local news.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2008
Old Fart Rules
A judge on Friday backed a plan to make California the first state to require Algebra and English for all 8th graders. "Whud'd de ole fart say, Jeffy" asked one student present at the hearing.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2008
Bear Grylls Refuses To Eat Broccoli
Discovery Channel survivalist walks out of a restaurant only offering this side with their daily special. In the past, he has eaten goat testicles, maggots, raw snake, and drank his own urine.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 21 December 2008
